2009 gives way to 2010

The holidays are always a time of great reflection for me. I see people I haven't seen all year, my family and friends from back home. It generally give me that much-needed "restart" and even though it isn't always comfortable, it leads me down a path of questioning my choices over the past year. Last year I ran into a old flame, and we spent a few magical nights together, only to have reality crash our trip down memory lane. As I look back at it now, I understand what I needed to learn from that experience. As one of my favorite songs says, "Life throws you curves, and you learn to swerve". When I was 20 and had no life experience, my relationship with him seemed like magic. Now that I have been down a few more paths, I see him for who he really is, and that is not someone I can share my time with. Over the years, I have met many men who seemed to fit into my life at first, but over time, it became clear that it was actually NOT a good fit. I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two in my time on earth, and one of the lessons I'm reminded of today is the one of compassion. Only this time I need to have compassion for MYSELF. It's easy for us to lose sight of the fact that yes, we make mistakes, and yes, we make bad decisions. But that is the way life works, and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. All we can do is move on and make sure that we remain positive and moving forward.

As another year comes to an end, I look back and realize how many lessons I've learned this year. Many of them were quite painful. I suffered a few losses which still hurt my heart. But in the end, as my good friend told me today, we always end up with the things and people that we are supposed to. Welcome home, and Happy Holidays to all my dear friends and the special people in my life.

Making things work ... or not?????

Do you ever wonder why, when you want something REALLY badly, you seem to lose it? And then, when you let it go, and you are truly over it, it comes back? I believe this happens for several reasons. First, when you try to "make" something work, it feels forced, or fake. And especially when other people are involved, they will resist. Even the meekest of souls will instinctively back away from being pushed into something. If you have to push to make something work, then it isn't meant to be. Consider the alternative: letting things happen on their own. You will have to relinquish control, but there is a freedom in that. The freedom of not pulling the strings 24/7. The ability to relax and trust that things will be the way they are supposed to be. I see this time after time. The fact of the matter is that these opportunities are there for us every day. We have to simply identify them. Only then can you make a conscious decision to let the universe, God, or whatever you believe in, take over. Be proactive, and absolutely don't let life pass you by, but there is also a place of peace, where you can let things take their natural course.

The next thing that happens is that you stop trusting the natural course of things. If someone says they will call you, and then repeatedly doesn't, what do you do? Do you call them and try to fix it? Or do you let it go, realizing that this person isn't matched up with you at this point in your life? I used to be the former kind of person, now I strive to be the latter. I realized that people will do the things they really want to do, and if being my friend isn't that high on the priority list, that's fine, but I deserve better. I'm not saying that these people are bad, but you can certainly choose to surround yourself with people who appreciate you and genuinely want to nurture a friendship. We match up with others when it is right. Not everyone is evenly matched, and yes, there IS someone for everyone:).

My goal is to trust the universe to lead me in the direction that I'm supposed to be going. Only then will I know true peace. Otherwise, I'm destined to spend my life trying to micro-manage my life, and THAT is an exhausting concept. Wishing you all peace and contentment during the holidays!!!

Having what you want:)

I watched "The Secret" again last night, and it really made me look at my thought processes lately. When we find ourselves in a negative place, where we are constantly expecting the worst, guess what? You will manifest that. If you expect to get bills every day and not have enough money, YOU WILL. So, I have developed a mantra. Any time I feel those negative thoughts coming in, I say to myself over and over, "Happy, Healthy, Wealthy", until I feel at peace again. And WOW it really works! A week after I started this, I find myself in a completely different place mentally. Things have started to move forward in my life again.

The Law of Attraction is simple. If you think it, you will manifest it. I think everyone can agree that we are basically life forms that run on pure energy. The atom is energy, and that is what our physical bodies are made of. If we focus all our energy on negative things, we will draw those things to us. So why not focus on drawing in all the things we want? I've always believed that If you focus on what you DON"T want, you will get that. So why not try focusing on what you DO want? Instead of, "I'll never find a parking place", "I bet I'll find a spot right away". I gotta tell you, this really works! Imagine what you could have if you really set your mind to it? I hear guys saying all the time, "I always end up with crazy women", and guess what? They are absolutely correct! I wonder what would happen if those same guys developed a mantra, "I will find the perfect woman for me", every time they hear this other crap start up? I feel confident that they would notice a shift very quickly. Same with a job, or money, or health, or anything that you find is not as you want it. Why do some people have all the luck? The Law of Attraction. They have subconsciously developed a positive thought pattern which creates the things they want, simply by postulating it.

The way I see it, what do I have to lose by trying this? I have SO much to gain. I hope you all are willing to create the lives you can imagine for yourself.

busy, busy, busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself this: "when I am on my deathbed, which thing will i remember?" will you wish you had worked more? or will you wish that you had given more to yourself? I think the answer is clear.

Fear Factor

I hear people say all the time, "Once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll move forward." Isn't this backwards? Don't you have to move forward to figure out your life? Life experiences are what shape us. We have to fail in order to learn how not to. When I hear someone say something like this, I know for sure that they are not in charge of their life. I wonder if THEY know that? Probably not.

Fear is a horrible teacher. When you make choices based on what you are afraid of, it may feel like the safe choice, but in the end, it is the least rewarding one. Do you want to live life being "safe"? Or do you want to learn and grow as much as possible? My friend is in a relationship with a guy, where they are both insecure. Neither of them is able to ask for what they want, and even though they have been together for a long period of time, she is unhappy and, i suspect, so is he. I encouraged her to ask for what she wants, and she is afraid. Afraid that he will not give it to her. So is the better choice to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, and never get your needs met? Or are you better off facing that fear, speaking your truth, and possibly getting what you want. And, in the end, you will ALWAYS get what you want, even though it may not seem so at the time. If a relationship ends because you asked for your needs to be met, well then, great! Now you can find someone who appreciates you and give you everything you want and deserve. It may not feel good at first, but let me tell you, it is the better place to be. Anxiety and insecurity are NO WAY to be in a relationship. If you choose to be in your truth you will ALWAYS win.

a day in the life

Today was quite the day. My son Zach (14), is in the elite choir at his high school. They got invited to sing the national anthem at the Laker game tonight. I volunteered to drive, and it was an amazing time. The kids were given VIP passes and ushered to the holding area underneath Staples center. I managed to wrangle for myself and another mom, the ability to stand on the floor during the kids' performance, so that we could take pictures and video. The sight of our kids, standing behind the Laker players, singing their hearts out, was very moving. It was such a special opportunity, and the fact that we live where we do, offers us these kinds of things very frequently. The kids did great, and we were all exhausted by the time we left. The adrenaline rush was killer!
My other son, Sam (7), got an opportunity today, as well. He was in Costco with his dad, and a woman came up to him and asked him if he would like to be on a television show, which currently airs on Nickelodeon. Of course, he was very excited about this, and I offered to take him to the audition. When we got there, there were SO many kids there, I couldn't believe it. We stood in line, and filled out a form, and as we moved to the front, we were able to see some of the kids doing their auditions. Sam began to get nervous, and wanted to leave. I tried to talk to him, the director tried to talk to him, but he was just too scared. They asked that we call them and come to the next audition, and we left. On the way home we talked about it and I reminded him that he needed to do what made him feel happy. It's not about what i want for him, or what his dad wants. It's HIS choice. He may go to the next one, he may not. I just want him to follow his heart. Isn't that the important thing?
Anyway, that's my day. Im freaking exhausted. Good night!

the cougar has landed .....

Today I'm not feeling so inspired. I had a 3 hour meditation class yesterday, and I watched "The Secret" again last night. I'm feeling positive about my ability to create things for myself, yet I'm doubting it at the same time. How is this even possible? I had a conversation with some of the neighbors last night (not the crazy one lol), and there was a boy cleaning some windows at a house on the street. He was shirtless and hot, in a way that would make me almost wreck my car. The men outside noticed and asked me how old i thought he was. I thought for a minute and said, "well, if I think he's hot, he's probably 23". They laughed and went on. But I feel this is a problem for me. For a long time, it was funny that dated only younger guys, BOYS, really, since it was popular to be a "cougar", and it was all in fun. I wasn't really looking for a long term relationship, after coming out of a difficult marriage. I had fun, they had fun, good deal, right? Lately, and especially after my last relationship, where he was 28, and not really sure what he wanted or where he was going, I have been asking myself if maybe it's time to make that shift. I need to date men my own age, but there is one basic problem: I'm not attracted to anyone over the age of 30. In the 5 years since my divorce, this has not happened. Dating a 28 year old seemed like a stretch for me, until someone pointed out to me that he LOOKS 21. DAMN! I didn't even notice, but when it was pointed out to me, there it was. So, for now, I've decided to be single. And that's fine, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if I will be able to make that shift. Can we help who we are attracted to? Can we really shift that? Or is it just innate? I'm not sure, but of this I'm certain: I can NOT continue to date BOYS. So it goes.

obligatory relationships

Most of us have at least a few relationships where we are "obliged" to have certain people in our lives. This includes family, work associates, and neighbors. You can pick your friends, right? Or not? I've noticed an alarming trend in society, and I wonder if it's just me or are we moving towards "obligatory friendships" and even "obligatory romance"?
When we meet someone for the first time, and you "hit it off", you automatically want to spend more time getting to know this person. You call them or they call you and you arrange another meeting. This continues until the relationship moves to the next level, we will call it "expectations". This means that if I call you I expect that you will call me back, and if we make plans I expect you to show up. Basically. Next, we move into the "assumptions" stage, which means I assume you want to do whatever I'm doing, and you assume the same. This is the final and most definitive stage, where we trust each other and its a give and take thing. Now, what happens if you skip all these stages and go to the last one immediately? hmmmmm. That's a tough one. Think that will work out?
Second scenario: You meet someone and you hit it off. You call them and they don't return your calls right away. You call them again and finally they answer. You chase them all over town to get together and they seem to accept your presence. You start to expect to hang out with them, but see the problem? They rarely, if ever, call you and you are the only one putting effort into the interaction. You move into the assumption level and you are there all alone. One day you get "mad" because they don't show up, or they don't call you back. See what happened there? You had all the information that they were not interested in a friendship but you still pursued it. And you can't get mad at someone else for that.

We can CHOOSE our friends, and we have evolved into making relationship choices based on fear? Not me. I'm sorry if you take it personally, but I really think we shouldn't have to "play" with everyone. That's not reality and that's not how I choose to share myself. I'm looking for people who feel the same:).
peace to you all! xoxo

hot ... or not???

I'd like to talk about stupid things for a minute. When I'm having a bad day, and complain to someone about it, and they say, "Come on, your life can't be that bad, you're hot!" I think this is a very ill informed person. Everyone is human, and everyone suffers from human interaction. For example, women don't tend to like me much. I'm not sure why, but it happens. So, every once in a while, I am the victim of someone's psychotic break. My neighbor, who is a woman, really hates me. One morning, when I was getting my son ready for school, she came over and decided to have a freak out on my front porch. The day before, I had called the cops on her kids, who were stadium blasting rap music into my bedroom window. She decided to scream at me about this. She proceeded to tell me that I should "move if I didn't like it". I told her that maybe THEY should move, if they wanted to be that loud. This, she did not like. She then put her hand through the screen, trying to punch me, and I closed the door and called the police. She stood in my front yard, screaming obscenities at me, for a good ten minutes. My son hadn't ever heard some of the words she used, and was asking me about it. When the police arrived, she denied everything, and they basically told me that I needed to videotape her next time. Otherwise, nothing they can do. It has been about 9 months since this incident, and I still get threatening phone calls from her, and she yells at me when I drive by. Her teenage daughter also likes to call me a whore when I drive by. I have the video camera ready, and next time I hope she doesn't really hurt me.

So I ask you: How does me being hot help me in this situation? I actually think it may be part of the reason she hates me. She used to be a hot blonde woman, and now she is overweight and clearly unstable. I'm happy and she isn't. People hate others for being happy. Ever noticed that? It's a very strange phenomenon. Be miserable and unattractive, and you are ignored. Be happy and healthy, you are a reminder to others that they are not. How about if we just stop judging others and focus on our own shit? God knows we all have enough.

here we go ..........

today is the day i decided to share my life with the world. does anyone care, or will this be simply catharsis? either way, it's fine. ive just been through a break up, which, as break ups go, wasnt too bad, but my heart is hurting and it makes me want to eat a pint of phish food. why does ice cream have magical qualities? is it the ability to eat so much of it and not feel full? and why is eating even something that we want to do when we are sad? as the cliche goes, it is to fill the empty spaces inside us. so is any other type of distraction, so why not do something that will actually make you LOOK better? the best revenge is looking hot. well, yes, i took some creative license with it, but its still true. there is nothing better than running into an ex, and seeing that look on his face, then getting a text that says, "god DAMN you look amazing!" it feels so much better than wearing sweats and eating ice cream. so im off to the gym today, and im going to look amazing, and i will keep you updated:)