Life after death

I have been spending a great deal of time and energy on sadness these last few weeks. A friend took his life in a violent way, and the ripple effect is felt, even though we had not spoken in quite some time. He was always a bit of a lost soul, tortured and sweet, all at once. Most were not even aware of his ongoing inward battle, but I have a sixth sense for this, as I myself experienced it at one point in my life. The day that I died was the best day of my life. Obviously, it was not a permanent state for me, and when I woke up in the hospital bed, I knew that I had been given a second chance. The universe had a plan for me that was bigger than my desire. At that time, I was an empty shell of a person, and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My strongest desires were to drink and party, escaping the endless turmoil, which rolled inside me constantly. The point where I decided I had nothing left to live for was my restart button. For my friend, it was the point where he finally escaped his pain. The family and friends who are left behind are now bearing his pain, and in many ways, this seems unfair. Suicide is a very selfish act, because it leaves an imprint so strong that the people who bear it, are often unable to move past it. It shapes their lives in ways which creates a self destructive pattern of guilt and fear. When decisions are made in this space, they are following a path of destruction and self punishment.

Having been on the other side of this path, I can now see the crater of emotions which is left. Looking for the positive almost seems irreverent. However, I can tell you, having been the person trying to leave the planet at one time, the suicide victim does not want others to feel sad for them. Leaving the planet is all about them feeling better, it is not about making others feel worse. I know that my friend would want everyone to remember him as a happy, playful person, and his intent was always to make others happy. He ultimately felt helpless to do this, and he gave up. To him, this was the only option left. The pain of death was a release.

To this day, I feel that my death was my awakening. I was able to make peace with all those I needed to, and it turned my life around. I'm not sure I would have ever ventured as far off my then current path as I have now, which has resulted in many positive events in my life. It pushed my mind to expand in ways which I never even knew possible. I am grateful that I can sit here and write this with joy and gratitude to the universe for providing me with all the information I need to succeed in my human existence.

In death, there is rebirth. Namaste.

Times of Change

I have been hearing a lot from my close circle of friends lately, that many people are struggling. As this is the age of social media, I don't see it on my Facebook page, and I started wondering if I was the "only one" having these feelings of sadness and depression. I realized that most of us don't reach out to others when we are feeling sad. We have been programmed to only attempt communication when we are happy, or else others "won't like us". I have definitely been called "dramatic", and told to "chill" when I am upset. These are just forms of invalidation, and we must be very careful that we are not using them to avoid our own feelings. When others are in pain, we must also look at our own pain, and this is hard. It is easier to tell them "relax", and laugh it off, than to listen, and therefore have to reflect on our own pain and unanswered questions. Depression is "catching" in that way, however, I like to look at it as opportunities for me to see something about myself that otherwise I might not want to look at.

I am always saddened when my feelings end relationships. In times of conflict, relationships either fall away, or are strengthened by adversity. However, some people are simply in too much of their own pain to recognize how to separate theirs from yours. When I find myself saying, "That person hurt me", I can then look at what part of me resonates with that. In order for their words or actions to hurt me, I must have given them an opening. When I say that, it is almost always unconscious. When I wrote of the "walking wounded" a while back, this is what I meant. We all have emotional injuries which are constantly effecting our decisions. This, in turn, sends us in a direction which steers us away from the areas which are painful. And unfortunately, that often results in having shallow, unfulfilling relationships. When you are on the right path, there are always going to be bumps in the road. But when you have your internal vision set on your ultimate goal, you will not be deterred for any reason.

When someone tells me, "You don't have any problems", I am always surprised. Others see us so differently because they do not know our innermost feelings. I'm not sure if this is helpful, or harmful. I'm not going to start wearing a shirt that lists all my insecurities and problems, but I am also not really willing to continue with the false bravado and automatic replies which belie my true self. If you ask me how I am, I may not say "fine". I don't expect to have a 3 hour conversation about it, but I think it's time for us to stop denying our true feelings, just to make others more comfortable. In fact, I think it is starting to have the opposite effect, if what I am hearing is accurate. The flip side is that I do not need to have a strong reaction if someone tells me they are not fine. I can always spare time for a quick hug and a few words of encouragement. If we are not uncomfortable with our own feelings, maybe we can work towards being open to all the feelings of others. We spend more time worrying about hurting each other's feelings than honoring our own, and this is a losing game for all involved.

If you see me out and about, and I look sad, do what works for you. But please don't ask me how I am if you do not REALLY want to know. I'm ok with it either way!!!! Wishing you all peace and contentment on this beautiful Sunday.