Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know so many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful". Again, this is an extreme which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%". Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself". If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all", and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it". By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing", or even "obsessing", but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it". Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!

Life after death

I have been spending a great deal of time and energy on sadness these last few weeks. A friend took his life in a violent way, and the ripple effect is felt, even though we had not spoken in quite some time. He was always a bit of a lost soul, tortured and sweet, all at once. Most were not even aware of his ongoing inward battle, but I have a sixth sense for this, as I myself experienced it at one point in my life. The day that I died was the best day of my life. Obviously, it was not a permanent state for me, and when I woke up in the hospital bed, I knew that I had been given a second chance. The universe had a plan for me that was bigger than my desire. At that time, I was an empty shell of a person, and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My strongest desires were to drink and party, escaping the endless turmoil, which rolled inside me constantly. The point where I decided I had nothing left to live for was my restart button. For my friend, it was the point where he finally escaped his pain. The family and friends who are left behind are now bearing his pain, and in many ways, this seems unfair. Suicide is a very selfish act, because it leaves an imprint so strong that the people who bear it, are often unable to move past it. It shapes their lives in ways which creates a self destructive pattern of guilt and fear. When decisions are made in this space, they are following a path of destruction and self punishment.

Having been on the other side of this path, I can now see the crater of emotions which is left. Looking for the positive almost seems irreverent. However, I can tell you, having been the person trying to leave the planet at one time, the suicide victim does not want others to feel sad for them. Leaving the planet is all about them feeling better, it is not about making others feel worse. I know that my friend would want everyone to remember him as a happy, playful person, and his intent was always to make others happy. He ultimately felt helpless to do this, and he gave up. To him, this was the only option left. The pain of death was a release.

To this day, I feel that my death was my awakening. I was able to make peace with all those I needed to, and it turned my life around. I'm not sure I would have ever ventured as far off my then current path as I have now, which has resulted in many positive events in my life. It pushed my mind to expand in ways which I never even knew possible. I am grateful that I can sit here and write this with joy and gratitude to the universe for providing me with all the information I need to succeed in my human existence.

In death, there is rebirth. Namaste.

Times of Change

I have been hearing a lot from my close circle of friends lately, that many people are struggling. As this is the age of social media, I don't see it on my Facebook page, and I started wondering if I was the "only one" having these feelings of sadness and depression. I realized that most of us don't reach out to others when we are feeling sad. We have been programmed to only attempt communication when we are happy, or else others "won't like us". I have definitely been called "dramatic", and told to "chill" when I am upset. These are just forms of invalidation, and we must be very careful that we are not using them to avoid our own feelings. When others are in pain, we must also look at our own pain, and this is hard. It is easier to tell them "relax", and laugh it off, than to listen, and therefore have to reflect on our own pain and unanswered questions. Depression is "catching" in that way, however, I like to look at it as opportunities for me to see something about myself that otherwise I might not want to look at.

I am always saddened when my feelings end relationships. In times of conflict, relationships either fall away, or are strengthened by adversity. However, some people are simply in too much of their own pain to recognize how to separate theirs from yours. When I find myself saying, "That person hurt me", I can then look at what part of me resonates with that. In order for their words or actions to hurt me, I must have given them an opening. When I say that, it is almost always unconscious. When I wrote of the "walking wounded" a while back, this is what I meant. We all have emotional injuries which are constantly effecting our decisions. This, in turn, sends us in a direction which steers us away from the areas which are painful. And unfortunately, that often results in having shallow, unfulfilling relationships. When you are on the right path, there are always going to be bumps in the road. But when you have your internal vision set on your ultimate goal, you will not be deterred for any reason.

When someone tells me, "You don't have any problems", I am always surprised. Others see us so differently because they do not know our innermost feelings. I'm not sure if this is helpful, or harmful. I'm not going to start wearing a shirt that lists all my insecurities and problems, but I am also not really willing to continue with the false bravado and automatic replies which belie my true self. If you ask me how I am, I may not say "fine". I don't expect to have a 3 hour conversation about it, but I think it's time for us to stop denying our true feelings, just to make others more comfortable. In fact, I think it is starting to have the opposite effect, if what I am hearing is accurate. The flip side is that I do not need to have a strong reaction if someone tells me they are not fine. I can always spare time for a quick hug and a few words of encouragement. If we are not uncomfortable with our own feelings, maybe we can work towards being open to all the feelings of others. We spend more time worrying about hurting each other's feelings than honoring our own, and this is a losing game for all involved.

If you see me out and about, and I look sad, do what works for you. But please don't ask me how I am if you do not REALLY want to know. I'm ok with it either way!!!! Wishing you all peace and contentment on this beautiful Sunday.

No pain, no gain?

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he was clearly suffering from some recent events, yet he insisted that he was "fine" and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to be "tough" and minimize his feelings, since most people don't want to hear anything that is perceived to be negative. Men are raised to be ridiculed for letting sadness show, and it seems that anger and happiness are the only truly accepted emotion for a man. For a woman, she is even more limited, as she may not show anger, but is allowed to be sad or happy. Excitement is optional but frowned upon in both sexes, unless it is in a very controlled amount. Do you know people who adhere to these ridiculous rules of society? Are they happy and well adjusted? Or are they keeping their emotions bottled up for fear of shame and ridicule from others?

Pain is there to show us what we need to work on. If you are trying to make a decision, and one choice is painful, but the other is not, look closely. Often the painful choice is the right one. It just throws us out of our comfort zone and this is unfamiliar territory. It is a challenge to ask yourself the hard questions, and many of us will choose to deaden our emotions by distracting ourselves with addictions or other vices. This comes in many forms, the most common ones are drinking and drugs, and the gamut runs all the way to over exercising, over working, and even over socializing. When you keep yourself out of pain, you are also locking away that information which can teach you things about yourself and move you forward. I hear how busy people are, and these are also the people who "don't have time for (fill in the blank)". Looking more closely, these people are hiding from their fear of themselves. If you do not have time to sit and be still every day, you are missing out on something very important: YOU. If you hear yourself apologizing over and over again for not following through, that is important information, as you are likely not making time for yourself, either.

A few years back, after my divorce, I had no idea who I was. If you asked me what I liked, I would not know. I decided to take myself on dates, and made a list of things that I liked to do alone. The list was very short at first, but now it has grown to the point where I don't really even need it. I love being alone, and I also love to be with friends. It really doesn't matter what I do, since I am always there:) Focusing on being present has really helped to enrich my life and slow me down. I also have a deeper appreciation for the people in my life who really are there for me, and I can give them my undivided attention when we are together. Next time you are having a conversation with someone, focus on what they are saying, and really LISTEN. You will find a much more peaceful place and you can often learn a lot by just being still and observing. Think about what they are saying, without thinking about what you are going to say next. Let it flow and let it be.

"Sadness is not the absence of happiness" ~ Matt Kahn ~

Crushed

In the past few months, I have often used the descriptive term "feeling crushed", to describe my life. It seems that even my best laid plans often go awry, and I am left feeling directionless and confused. I really have two choices in these situations, to accept these messages from the universe, or not. In the past, I might have let my control issues overtake me, and forced certain things to happen, most often with an outcome that was less than desirable.

Instead, I have decided to breathe. I have decided to take the messages that disappointment gives me, and use it to decide upon my path. Sometimes that means not doing anything at all, and waiting for another message that directs me into the right area. This is the single most difficult thing I have done, to let go and wait. My life has been structured around knowing what is going to happen, and never trusting anything or anyone. I have to recognize that this has not worked out for me. I certainly have no regrets, but to really move forward, I have to let go of that pattern and trust. Trust that God, or the universe, or whatever you choose to put your faith in, will send me in the right direction and bring me in contact with the people and things that will make my life amazing and all that I have wished and hoped for.

Loving yourself and making choices based on that is really the only way to be sure that you are on your path. If you have people in your life who are toxic, but you are afraid to let them go, because of obligation, or fear of loneliness, you are not putting yourself first. Even family obligations can be released and restructured. Pain in these situations is really just your indication that what you are doing is very important. The pain that I am feeling today is my lesson and my opportunity to grow, and breathe. This is my life and I trust that I will receive all that I deserve.

Wishing you all love, light, and healing. Namaste.

Honesty and other pitfalls

Everyone likes to declare themselves as "honest" and asks you to also be "honest" with them. I have learned, over the years, that most people do NOT want you to be honest with them. If you tell someone that their new haircut is really not working for them, they do not like this. Most people will only tell you the "honest truth" if it is what you want to hear. Otherwise, things will get uncomfortable very quickly. The most difficult area of honesty is in relationships. Most of us have stayed in relationships, at least once, because we didn't want to "hurt the other person". This is perhaps the most dangerous of all situations, since it is destined to hurt a LOT of people, including yourself.

My friend was very upset today about the fact that his girlfriend of a few years broke up with him, telling him she, "hadn't loved him for a while". I asked him, "This tells you that she was really trying not to hurt your feelings". He was hurt because she rejected him, and she knew that he would be, so she put it off as long as possible, until she literally could not stand to be in the relationship anymore. She broke up with him and was in another guy's bed that night. My friend was hurt, but he probably would have been less hurt if she had told him right away. I can't tell you how many times I have done this, and also had it happen to me. It's human nature to stay in a familiar place and "keep the peace". No one truly enjoys confrontation, and we will go to great lengths to avoid it, but in the end, we end up hurt, and hurting others, MORE than if we would have just been honest with ourselves and others right away. The other side of this is how you react when someone is actually up front with you about something. I had a guy friend who wanted to be more than friends, and he made this clear to me on several occasions. He kept trying to get me to go out with him, and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't. I didn't want to "hurt his feelings" by telling him how I really felt, so this continued for a little while. I finally gave in and went out with him, and at the end of the date, I told him I really just wanted to be friends and wasn't interested in anything more. He got violently angry and accused me of using him, among other things. I was shocked at his reaction and asked him if he would like me to date him out of obligation. He became even more incensed and stalked off, never to be heard from again. Now please tell me, what did I do "wrong" here??? I'm sure he went around and told everyone that I was a horrible person for some reason, and got all of them to agree with him. But in the end, I was happy to have him out of my life, and I honestly don't feel I did anything wrong, except perhaps I should have told him immediately that I wasn't interested.

When someone is brave enough to be truly honest with you, ask yourself why you are hurt. Is it your ego that feels rejected? I always tell my kids, "I don't like everyone, and not everyone likes me, and that is fine both ways." Do not let yourself fall into the trap of basing your self worth on how others feel about you. I have many amazing people in my life, and I am also blissfully unaware of those who do not "like" me. We are all on different paths and have different goals. Some people are very unhappy and looking to blame others, while some are so far buried in the self pity and punishment that they are not open to love or acceptance from others. I wish everyone well but I do not want negativity in my life, so I will avoid those who are stuck in that.

May you all find other souls who are on your path and support you where you are, as well as where you are going. Namaste.

Father's Day 2011

On this 19th day of June, year 2011, I reflect back onto my life and relationship with the man who helped bring me into this world. He is a "good" man, active in the community and church, and provided for our family as best he could. At times, this meant we ate potatoes for dinner night after night, but he never sat at home idly. He went to school, he worked, he prayed. Some of my earliest memories were of he and I fishing on a lake, just the two of us, and even though, to this day I can not look at certain types of fish without gagging, cleaning and gutting them was part of this ritual and I can say it added to my life experiences. My dad was my hero in my early years, and he worked in the hospital, saving lives, and I would sit on his lap and listen intently as he described to me in great detail how motorcycles were the most dangerous things you could ride. To this day I have a fear of those machines, but it hasn't stopped me from riding them.

My relationship with my father began to crumble when trusted family friend molested me, and I realized that all men were a threat to me. Unfortunately, my mother's refusal to accept this as truth sent me deeper into the hole which I was to dig for myself at the ripe old age of 6. My father was confused as to why I wouldn't sit on his lap anymore, and I was too scared to tell him. You see, I had also experienced his anger, and it was something I would never seek to incite. The television was thrown into the back yard, and anything that wasn't nailed down became fair game for hurling across the room. Many nights I sought refuge behind the sofa with my brothers, crying as silently as possible, so that he would not find us. My brothers were scared to hide with me since I could not contain my tears for long. I was terrified in my own home, and I was 7.

As I grew older, I learned to protect myself with anger, also, and never allowed anyone to really get close to me, as my fear had not been allowed to surface yet. The day I graduated high school, I moved out, and never looked back. For years I moved around, trying to escape the stench of my fear and anger, and I finally ended up in therapy. It took me years to get to the point where I could make peace with myself, and a few more to make peace with my family, but here I sit, with my own family, and I look back on those years as building blocks for where I am now. Yes, it was painful, but it got me here, and I am a strong, confident woman. I could not have done it without those experiences.

In this way I am thankful for my father. We have reached an understanding and I do not harbor any ill will towards him. He did his best, and he is my father. Even though our relationship is extremely tenuous, and we were never able to regain that closeness we had when I was young, I still love him. In my phone call to him, I will remind him of all the happy memories, and I will thank him for being the best father he knew how to be. It does not serve me to hold on to any bitterness or resentment. I have reached a place of peace within myself which has nothing to do with anyone else, and no one can take it from me. I am reminded of a song I learned long ago, "It is well with my soul". Yes, indeed, it is.

Fear vs. Flying

I have recently lost some friends who I used to call "close". I trusted these friendships to weather any storm and any disagreement. Imagine my shock and dismay when, the moment I disagreed with the advice I was being given, these so called friends instantly cut me off and are no longer speaking to me. It makes me scared and mistrustful and this is not a comfortable place for me. I have long since refused to live in fear and I will not start now! I have to believe that standing up for myself is always a good thing, otherwise I am allowing abusive people in my life. This falls into the category of "living in fear".

When you allow fear to make your decisions for you, it tends to produce results which will keep you in the same place for many years. For instance, if I allow my fear of being alone to dictate how I express my feelings, I will always have friends who are not "real". This is not any more clear to me than it is right now. I'm scared of not having any friends, but you know what is scarier? Having friends who don't respect me or my opinions, and refuse to accept my individuality. It also allows negative energy into my space and keeps me from truly stretching my wings and flying as high as I can imagine. I have realized that these negative, toxic people, who will forever remain in their fear, have kept me with them because I have not challenged that in them. I want more for myself than drudgery and failure. I want to be truly happy and prosperous, and have people in my life who respect me and encourage me in a positive, supportive way. If that is not you, I wish you the best, I truly do, but I can not stay here anymore. It is sucking the life out of me. And that I can not allow anymore. Please do not take it personally, as I do not take it personally when you push me away for "being weird", or "being bitchy", or whatever it is you need to tell yourself to make it easier to continue your existence. I'm DONE with it.

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "good in bed", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are exactly the opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun", as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just got fired from my job" is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this", whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something!

Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing', be a human "being". Wise words. Namaste.

Mother's Day 2011

When I was born, I was the girl my parents always wanted, after three boys. My brothers were wary of me, since I was welcomed in such a different way than my predecessors. They were to use me as their human guinea pig for many years to come, and the verdict was, "Yep, she cried. I guess that firecracker between the toe is painful". My mother was overwhelmed and underpaid, as she was a typical housewife, with four kids to wrangle. We were expected to go to church three times a week, and not bother my mother, or we would get a spanking when my dad got home. If he walked in to us fighting, we were likely to go to bed without eating dinner. The first time one of my brothers made me get naked with his friend while he watched, I tried to tell my mother but was hushed quickly, "That must have been a dream, your brother would never do anything like that". I learned that anything I told my mother was likely to get this response, unless it was good news. If I was hurt, or sad, or confused, I was to go to my room and not come out until I "was happy again". I idolized my mother, as she seemed to be able to always be happy, and not let anything or anyone make her upset. Years later, I learned that this is called "mental illness". But, as a child, I wished I could be like her, and always smile, no matter what happened. I began to write when I was 5 or 6, and I would hide my book under my pillow, so that anytime I had a problem, I escaped to my room and wrote until it went away. My mother used to tell me to "Stop reading and go outside!", but it was the only way that I could be sure that no one would hurt me. I would read for days on end, and it became my escape. The city librarian knew me by name, and became exasperated with me after I had read "everything in the children's section". She sent me upstairs at the ripe old age of 7, where I discovered the much larger world of young adult literature. I was set free in this wonderland, and thus began my adult education. From time to time, my mother would ask me what I was reading, and I almost always lied, since she would not have liked me reading "Goodbye Mr. Chips" at 8 years old.

As the years have turned into decades, I have realized that my mother was genuinely doing her best to hold it together for us. As I have grown, and am now also a mother, she and I have come to a certain understanding about our relationship. I do not judge her or hold her accountable for my life's struggles. I thank her for her part in what made me the woman I am today. Though unwittingly, she helped me develop tools for life, and, I am happy to report that I have discovered a certain amount of inner peace. Knowing that hers was born out of the same instinct as mine, self preservation, is somewhat enlightening. There seems to be a very fine line between inner peace and insanity, and while she may have skirted the edge of that gap for some time, I think she and I have found a place where we can both exist in our own form of peace. So Happy Mother's Day, to all of you, and to my mom, who I respect and love with all my heart.

Living in your Truth

As I welcome spring this year, I am reminded of the fact that I am yes, another year older. With age comes a certain amount of wisdom that only living your life can bring. I am happy to report that I have suffered what I believe to be a sufficient amount this past year. Meaning, that I can now let a lot of things go, that I previously could not. I used to think it was "phony" - Holden Caulfield would be appalled - to be kind to those who I disliked. I now find myself giving others more compassion, and yes, kindness. There are those who I would not choose to spend time with, yet find myself in situations with them time and time again. My boys learn from me, and so I must tread softly when speaking of others with them. Recently, my sons learned of an impending grandparent's visit. As we discussed how we would entertain them, my youngest son, Sam, spoke up. "I don't like them!", to which I replied, "That's fine. But they are your grandparents, and they love you, and we need to be kind and gracious to them since they are flying out here to see us." We had a very interesting discussion where my teenager actually spoke some very wise words. "Sam", he said, "they are nice people, and even though we don't have much in common with them, they deserve to be treated with respect and love. They are only here for two days, and we can adjust our lives for that amount of time to include them." All I could do was nod in agreement. I was blown away by this 16 year old's wisdom. And just like that, I realized, we all have wisdom. No matter what your age, or station in life, you have experiences which guide you to make decisions and judgements.

Everyone deserves respect, and there is a fine line between allowing others to abuse you, and setting respectful boundaries. Refusing to engage with people on the abusive level naturally weeds out those who you do not need in your life. It is not being "mean" to politely decline a dinner invitation, or god forbid, a Facebook friend request. In the end, you are being genuine by graciously letting the other person know that you are not interested in their friendship. If we were all a little less scared of hurting feelings, and a little more confident in our OWN feelings, I truly believe the world would be a better place.

Happy Spring, 2011!!!!! Namaste.

Confessions of a recovered anorexic

As long as I can remember, I have been aware of calories, and fat, and how much is "proper for a lady" to eat, and how much is NOT. I have also been aware of all the ways in which I could fail to attract the attention of a man, be it my round hips, my full breasts, or my muscular thighs. I grew up in the 70's and 80's, when, if you didn't look on the brink of starvation, you were undesirable. I learned to enjoy hunger, and became alarmingly anorexic. I ended up in the hospital, 97 pounds, near death, and I was very pleased with myself. I had done what I needed to do in order to be accepted by my peers and society. Then the therapy started, and I slowly became aware of the fact that I was actually destroying my health. I became obsessed with every health and diet fad that came out, determined that I would force my shapely body into the boy shape I so desperately wanted. I was convinced that THIS was the key to my happiness. For many years, I was thin to the point where people would ridicule me, yet, shockingly, I was not happy or fulfilled.

As the years passed, I went through all of life's trials and gradually started to overcome my anorexic tendencies. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was concerned that my baby would be harmed if I did not eat exactly what I was supposed to, so a new obsession was born: being perfect nutritionally. This manifested in the way that I judged others for eating the "wrong" things, and, of course, I judged myself the most harshly. If I missed a day at the gym, I was depressed for a week. if I ate a cookie, I would spiral into failure mode. As my child grew, it became clear that he was blessed with my curvy figure, and the cycle continued. I fed him what I believed to be the "perfect" diet, yet he still was chubby. Doctors visits would send me home in tears. I had failed my child as well as myself. When I became pregnant for the second time, I gave up. I ate everything in sight, and tested positive for gestational diabetes. When my second son was born, I was 200 pounds. I was miserable and depressed.

When Sam turned 2, I decided to start over. I started seeing a trainer, and he was kind and non-judgmental, and the weight dropped off. I lost 60 pounds and filed for divorce. I became interested in partying again, and the bars kept me from having to be alone at night, when the kids were with their dad. This phase was to last 2 years, and then, one day, I realized that I was on the fast track to nowhere, and I began to spend less and less time drinking, and more time with myself. Cooking and baking had always been a passion of mine, and I began to experiment with this again. As I rose up out of the ashes of my marriage, my old friend, obsession, resurfaced. I had kept most of the weight off, but it was creeping back up, and I felt it start to overtake me again. I spent the next year gathering information on every diet and nutritional fad I could, and, in the end, I had gained more weight. I spent more time at the gym, and obsessed over every calorie, and yet STILL I was heavy. I felt discouraged and painfully close to giving up again.

About this time, I had been attending meditation classes for a year or so, and I started to feel as if I was close to a big discovery. I suffered some painful losses through relationships, yet gained knowledge from each of them. One day, as I prowled the aisles of the local health food store, a thought stopped me in my tracks. "I am healthy, strong, and active. I take care of myself, I respect myself, and yet I am still not skinny. Maybe this is how I am supposed to look!" As I pondered over this thought for the next month or so, I slowly shifted my reality. I don't want people in my life that judge me for how I look. The most important thing is to love myself, and care for my body in a way that nurtures it. Food and exercise are about function, NOT looking good. What I eat should make me feel great, and fuel me for whatever I want to do, whether it be a walk on the beach, power yoga, snowboarding, or even just playing with my son. I do not want to live my life sitting on the couch, therefore I must fuel myself appropriately.

Food is not the enemy, and it is also not your friend. Food is fuel, pure and simple. If you find yourself looking for comfort, go for a walk, read a good book, or watch a movie with a snuggle buddy (my cat is great at snuggling:) Punishing ourselves with what is meant for fuel is the fastest way to destroy ourselves. In the end, what you eat is not nearly as important as how you feel about yourself, and what could be more important than the deep love and gratitude that comes from within? I welcome you to share my journey, and let us learn from each other. Namaste.

Intentions and living in the moment

Last week, I went on a date with a man, very nice, but not for me. As I walked to my car, I thought of my good friend Maria. She would like him! However, he seemed interested in me, and I decided to wait and see what happened. I have not heard from him since, so today, when I ran into Maria, I told her about him. I texted him her number, and voila! They are going out. Everyone wins!

Last year, I witnessed two very young children walking home alone. I was concerned, so I followed them home. They let themselves in to an empty house, and I called the school. I was concerned for the safety of the children, and didn't know the parents well enough to call them. The mother was furious with me, and apparently I am a "troublemaker", as she told the child's teacher. The principal pulled me aside and asked me to please call the police the next time I was concerned, as the school could do very little in this case. I let it go, and gave it up to the universe. If I saw anything about the kids that concerned me again, I would call. Today, as I drove my 16 year old home from school, we saw the younger of the two children walking home by himself. My son expressed great concern, and I wrestled with the decision. Finally, after my son told me if I did not call, he would, I called. The future holds the outcome, and I pray that the boy is all right.

In both these situations, intention plays a large part. I did not intend to pursue this man, so instead of holding on to my ego and preventing my friend her happiness, I can release it. My intention is to create peace and happiness for myself, and others, when they are receptive. In the case of the neglected child, my intention is to protect him from unseen dangers. I do not intend to create "trouble" for the parents, but their choices create it for themselves and their child. Living in the moment also helps me to make the right decision in this case. If I worry about the future, I would probably not be able to make a pure decision in either case. Will I meet someone else who I like better? I don't know, but I either will or I won't. That is not important right NOW. Will the parents be angry with me for calling the police in my concern? Perhaps, but the child will be safe, and my intentions are pure, so that is my truth, in this moment.

If you spend your time clinging to the past, or worrying about the future, you are missing the most important gift you possess: this moment. Your truth will blur, and you will become confused by the jumble of information. The purest truth you own IS RIGHT NOW. Be here for it. Namaste.