Father's Day 2011

On this 19th day of June, year 2011, I reflect back onto my life and relationship with the man who helped bring me into this world. He is a "good" man, active in the community and church, and provided for our family as best he could. At times, this meant we ate potatoes for dinner night after night, but he never sat at home idly. He went to school, he worked, he prayed. Some of my earliest memories were of he and I fishing on a lake, just the two of us, and even though, to this day I can not look at certain types of fish without gagging, cleaning and gutting them was part of this ritual and I can say it added to my life experiences. My dad was my hero in my early years, and he worked in the hospital, saving lives, and I would sit on his lap and listen intently as he described to me in great detail how motorcycles were the most dangerous things you could ride. To this day I have a fear of those machines, but it hasn't stopped me from riding them.

My relationship with my father began to crumble when trusted family friend molested me, and I realized that all men were a threat to me. Unfortunately, my mother's refusal to accept this as truth sent me deeper into the hole which I was to dig for myself at the ripe old age of 6. My father was confused as to why I wouldn't sit on his lap anymore, and I was too scared to tell him. You see, I had also experienced his anger, and it was something I would never seek to incite. The television was thrown into the back yard, and anything that wasn't nailed down became fair game for hurling across the room. Many nights I sought refuge behind the sofa with my brothers, crying as silently as possible, so that he would not find us. My brothers were scared to hide with me since I could not contain my tears for long. I was terrified in my own home, and I was 7.

As I grew older, I learned to protect myself with anger, also, and never allowed anyone to really get close to me, as my fear had not been allowed to surface yet. The day I graduated high school, I moved out, and never looked back. For years I moved around, trying to escape the stench of my fear and anger, and I finally ended up in therapy. It took me years to get to the point where I could make peace with myself, and a few more to make peace with my family, but here I sit, with my own family, and I look back on those years as building blocks for where I am now. Yes, it was painful, but it got me here, and I am a strong, confident woman. I could not have done it without those experiences.

In this way I am thankful for my father. We have reached an understanding and I do not harbor any ill will towards him. He did his best, and he is my father. Even though our relationship is extremely tenuous, and we were never able to regain that closeness we had when I was young, I still love him. In my phone call to him, I will remind him of all the happy memories, and I will thank him for being the best father he knew how to be. It does not serve me to hold on to any bitterness or resentment. I have reached a place of peace within myself which has nothing to do with anyone else, and no one can take it from me. I am reminded of a song I learned long ago, "It is well with my soul". Yes, indeed, it is.

Fear vs. Flying

I have recently lost some friends who I used to call "close". I trusted these friendships to weather any storm and any disagreement. Imagine my shock and dismay when, the moment I disagreed with the advice I was being given, these so called friends instantly cut me off and are no longer speaking to me. It makes me scared and mistrustful and this is not a comfortable place for me. I have long since refused to live in fear and I will not start now! I have to believe that standing up for myself is always a good thing, otherwise I am allowing abusive people in my life. This falls into the category of "living in fear".

When you allow fear to make your decisions for you, it tends to produce results which will keep you in the same place for many years. For instance, if I allow my fear of being alone to dictate how I express my feelings, I will always have friends who are not "real". This is not any more clear to me than it is right now. I'm scared of not having any friends, but you know what is scarier? Having friends who don't respect me or my opinions, and refuse to accept my individuality. It also allows negative energy into my space and keeps me from truly stretching my wings and flying as high as I can imagine. I have realized that these negative, toxic people, who will forever remain in their fear, have kept me with them because I have not challenged that in them. I want more for myself than drudgery and failure. I want to be truly happy and prosperous, and have people in my life who respect me and encourage me in a positive, supportive way. If that is not you, I wish you the best, I truly do, but I can not stay here anymore. It is sucking the life out of me. And that I can not allow anymore. Please do not take it personally, as I do not take it personally when you push me away for "being weird", or "being bitchy", or whatever it is you need to tell yourself to make it easier to continue your existence. I'm DONE with it.