Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more.

This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and it's not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex lover and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.


As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look", and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what i anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Walking Wounded

How many times have you said the phrase, "He/she HURT me", or something similar? I would like to challenge you to look at this phenomenon differently. I can say one thing to you, and the same thing to another, and get two completely different reactions. Why is this? Consider the situation: I tell someone they are "getting a little chubby". To someone who is secure about their weight, they would laugh at me. To another, who is already insecure about their body size, they would be hurt. So, the question is, did I hurt you, or were you already hurt and I touched it? My theory is that we all carry around wounds, and every once in a while another person will touch it and cause us pain. What if we used their observations to benefit us? What if, every time you feel pain, you look at where it's REALLY coming from, and address that?

I believe this is another form of the blame game. If we can blame someone else for our pain, then we don't have to look at it and work on it. In this way, we pass around pain like a relay race. The people who do not accept the pain baton, we label as "jerks", and then move on to find someone who will take it so that we can get rid of it for a while. We wonder why these "jerks" seem to have a fairly peaceful existence, but we comfort ourselves with the fact that "karma will get them in the end". Why must we pass along pain and sadness to others? When you refuse to really take responsibility for your own life, you are missing out on lessons and personal growth.

Recently, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. There are many people who I could probably blame and pass it along to, who would willingly take it. But I guard my pain and hold on to it, because I really believe that if I miss out on this opportunity, there is no way to know when I might have one again, for this growth. I look at it as an opportunity to learn to love and forgive myself, and to evolve in a way that I can enrich my life. What kinds of opportunities do you have today????

Grow. Learn. Evolve. Namaste.