Confessions of a recovered anorexic

As long as I can remember, I have been aware of calories, and fat, and how much is "proper for a lady" to eat, and how much is NOT. I have also been aware of all the ways in which I could fail to attract the attention of a man, be it my round hips, my full breasts, or my muscular thighs. I grew up in the 70's and 80's, when, if you didn't look on the brink of starvation, you were undesirable. I learned to enjoy hunger, and became alarmingly anorexic. I ended up in the hospital, 97 pounds, near death, and I was very pleased with myself. I had done what I needed to do in order to be accepted by my peers and society. Then the therapy started, and I slowly became aware of the fact that I was actually destroying my health. I became obsessed with every health and diet fad that came out, determined that I would force my shapely body into the boy shape I so desperately wanted. I was convinced that THIS was the key to my happiness. For many years, I was thin to the point where people would ridicule me, yet, shockingly, I was not happy or fulfilled.

As the years passed, I went through all of life's trials and gradually started to overcome my anorexic tendencies. When I became pregnant with my first child, I was concerned that my baby would be harmed if I did not eat exactly what I was supposed to, so a new obsession was born: being perfect nutritionally. This manifested in the way that I judged others for eating the "wrong" things, and, of course, I judged myself the most harshly. If I missed a day at the gym, I was depressed for a week. if I ate a cookie, I would spiral into failure mode. As my child grew, it became clear that he was blessed with my curvy figure, and the cycle continued. I fed him what I believed to be the "perfect" diet, yet he still was chubby. Doctors visits would send me home in tears. I had failed my child as well as myself. When I became pregnant for the second time, I gave up. I ate everything in sight, and tested positive for gestational diabetes. When my second son was born, I was 200 pounds. I was miserable and depressed.

When Sam turned 2, I decided to start over. I started seeing a trainer, and he was kind and non-judgmental, and the weight dropped off. I lost 60 pounds and filed for divorce. I became interested in partying again, and the bars kept me from having to be alone at night, when the kids were with their dad. This phase was to last 2 years, and then, one day, I realized that I was on the fast track to nowhere, and I began to spend less and less time drinking, and more time with myself. Cooking and baking had always been a passion of mine, and I began to experiment with this again. As I rose up out of the ashes of my marriage, my old friend, obsession, resurfaced. I had kept most of the weight off, but it was creeping back up, and I felt it start to overtake me again. I spent the next year gathering information on every diet and nutritional fad I could, and, in the end, I had gained more weight. I spent more time at the gym, and obsessed over every calorie, and yet STILL I was heavy. I felt discouraged and painfully close to giving up again.

About this time, I had been attending meditation classes for a year or so, and I started to feel as if I was close to a big discovery. I suffered some painful losses through relationships, yet gained knowledge from each of them. One day, as I prowled the aisles of the local health food store, a thought stopped me in my tracks. "I am healthy, strong, and active. I take care of myself, I respect myself, and yet I am still not skinny. Maybe this is how I am supposed to look!" As I pondered over this thought for the next month or so, I slowly shifted my reality. I don't want people in my life that judge me for how I look. The most important thing is to love myself, and care for my body in a way that nurtures it. Food and exercise are about function, NOT looking good. What I eat should make me feel great, and fuel me for whatever I want to do, whether it be a walk on the beach, power yoga, snowboarding, or even just playing with my son. I do not want to live my life sitting on the couch, therefore I must fuel myself appropriately.

Food is not the enemy, and it is also not your friend. Food is fuel, pure and simple. If you find yourself looking for comfort, go for a walk, read a good book, or watch a movie with a snuggle buddy (my cat is great at snuggling:) Punishing ourselves with what is meant for fuel is the fastest way to destroy ourselves. In the end, what you eat is not nearly as important as how you feel about yourself, and what could be more important than the deep love and gratitude that comes from within? I welcome you to share my journey, and let us learn from each other. Namaste.

Intentions and living in the moment

Last week, I went on a date with a man, very nice, but not for me. As I walked to my car, I thought of my good friend Maria. She would like him! However, he seemed interested in me, and I decided to wait and see what happened. I have not heard from him since, so today, when I ran into Maria, I told her about him. I texted him her number, and voila! They are going out. Everyone wins!

Last year, I witnessed two very young children walking home alone. I was concerned, so I followed them home. They let themselves in to an empty house, and I called the school. I was concerned for the safety of the children, and didn't know the parents well enough to call them. The mother was furious with me, and apparently I am a "troublemaker", as she told the child's teacher. The principal pulled me aside and asked me to please call the police the next time I was concerned, as the school could do very little in this case. I let it go, and gave it up to the universe. If I saw anything about the kids that concerned me again, I would call. Today, as I drove my 16 year old home from school, we saw the younger of the two children walking home by himself. My son expressed great concern, and I wrestled with the decision. Finally, after my son told me if I did not call, he would, I called. The future holds the outcome, and I pray that the boy is all right.

In both these situations, intention plays a large part. I did not intend to pursue this man, so instead of holding on to my ego and preventing my friend her happiness, I can release it. My intention is to create peace and happiness for myself, and others, when they are receptive. In the case of the neglected child, my intention is to protect him from unseen dangers. I do not intend to create "trouble" for the parents, but their choices create it for themselves and their child. Living in the moment also helps me to make the right decision in this case. If I worry about the future, I would probably not be able to make a pure decision in either case. Will I meet someone else who I like better? I don't know, but I either will or I won't. That is not important right NOW. Will the parents be angry with me for calling the police in my concern? Perhaps, but the child will be safe, and my intentions are pure, so that is my truth, in this moment.

If you spend your time clinging to the past, or worrying about the future, you are missing the most important gift you possess: this moment. Your truth will blur, and you will become confused by the jumble of information. The purest truth you own IS RIGHT NOW. Be here for it. Namaste.

How high do you go?

I was explaining to my teenager the concept of a "pain threshold", and as I was telling him how, as newborn beings, we have nothing to compare our pain to, and so every little bit of discomfort is an occasion for crying. This is truly the epitome of "living in the moment". As we grow older, we experience more pain, and we realize it has an end, and we start to understand that certain types of pain are more uncomfortable than others. Emotional pain is also learned, manifesting early on as fear, usually of punishment or even physical pain. These emotional lessons cause us to make choices which are designed to avoid pain, and thus begins our lesson on denial and self deprecation. The pain threshold increases, and as we grow older, we start to understand that we can actually "check out" of this emotional option, using distractions such as alcohol, sex, drugs, and food. We block our pain and therefore we block our lessons. if you take pain medication for your physical pain, it can sometimes result in you re-injuring yourself, since you are blocking your nerve's communication with your brain, which is your warning from your body. In the same way, blocking your emotional pain can cause you to continue to repeat the same mistakes and therefore, never recover from that injury.
The last few days have been painful for me, and I have been tempted to create distractions for myself. But as I sat at home last night, more alone than I have been in a while, I found a place in myself which enjoyed that, and welcomed the pain as a teacher. Today I feel a little sad, but it is nothing I can't "handle". Relationships teach me a lot about myself, and when the other person is in more pain than I am, I have to reach inside myself and use the resources I have created from past pain. This is a gift, and one I use quite often. Creating the space to let this happen is key. Hope everyone had a great holiday!

In this moment, I live

I seem to be at a loss for words recently. I find myself saying "WOW" a lot, and even "HOLY SHIT" at times. I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual, yet there are not many words to describe the strange happenings which I find myself enmeshed in. I have made some decisions which have resulted in my life's direction changing a bit, one of which is to be in a long distance relationship. Now, when I say "long distance", I don't mean the valley. I mean almost 3000 miles away, which is practically the moon. I have always said that I wouldn't do this, yet for the second time in the last 2 years, I am "doing it". I ask myself why I can't find anyone who lives within 100 miles of me, yet I have no answers. This man is an amazing human being and we fit together like 2 parts of the same puzzle. Yet I still find myself questioning every aspect of this strange and wondrous phenomenon, much as you might inspect a beautiful new car that you are constantly wondering if it is part of a dream that you have acquired it. Is it real or is it fantasy? Can I just live in the moment and accept that life is offering me something magical, but not quite letting me have it yet? And finally, will I destroy it before it has a chance to manifest in the best way possible?

Living in the moment has always been a challenge for me. It was never in my best interest, as an abused child, as I needed to plan everything so that I was never vulnerable. I find this to be the most challenging step to take in my life right now. To be truly vulnerable, and open to the possibilities that life has to offer, you must let go of the past, and the future, and relax. You can not concern yourself with what others will do, what they will think of you, and what they expect of you. You simply must gather information and make decisions based on that truth, which is the only truth that matters. If someone is constantly unable to meet your expectations, it is not their "fault", but it is information. We have all heard the saying, "If it is meant to be, it will happen". I met someone recently who is of this same mind set, and we emailed back and forth about getting together, only to realize that we needed to let it go and wait until it came back to us. We both realized it wasn't the time, and we were able to laugh about it. When something feels like it needs to be forced, perhaps it is just "not meant to be". Relax and let it go, and see how, or IF, it comes back to you. Make the space in your life for amazing things to happen, and they WILL. We all deserve the best things that life has to offer us, and if you believe that, TRUST that, you will be right EVERY time.

Namaste ~ Andrea

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more.

This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and it's not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex lover and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.


As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look", and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what i anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Walking Wounded

How many times have you said the phrase, "He/she HURT me", or something similar? I would like to challenge you to look at this phenomenon differently. I can say one thing to you, and the same thing to another, and get two completely different reactions. Why is this? Consider the situation: I tell someone they are "getting a little chubby". To someone who is secure about their weight, they would laugh at me. To another, who is already insecure about their body size, they would be hurt. So, the question is, did I hurt you, or were you already hurt and I touched it? My theory is that we all carry around wounds, and every once in a while another person will touch it and cause us pain. What if we used their observations to benefit us? What if, every time you feel pain, you look at where it's REALLY coming from, and address that?

I believe this is another form of the blame game. If we can blame someone else for our pain, then we don't have to look at it and work on it. In this way, we pass around pain like a relay race. The people who do not accept the pain baton, we label as "jerks", and then move on to find someone who will take it so that we can get rid of it for a while. We wonder why these "jerks" seem to have a fairly peaceful existence, but we comfort ourselves with the fact that "karma will get them in the end". Why must we pass along pain and sadness to others? When you refuse to really take responsibility for your own life, you are missing out on lessons and personal growth.

Recently, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. There are many people who I could probably blame and pass it along to, who would willingly take it. But I guard my pain and hold on to it, because I really believe that if I miss out on this opportunity, there is no way to know when I might have one again, for this growth. I look at it as an opportunity to learn to love and forgive myself, and to evolve in a way that I can enrich my life. What kinds of opportunities do you have today????

Grow. Learn. Evolve. Namaste.

Freedom from ourselves

Sometimes, life happens without you. Meaning, you don't have to control every aspect of everything. Is it apathy, or letting go? I have recently been challenged on a very personal level to let go of something that was very important to me. It was causing me a great deal of stress to try to control it, and the fear of losing it was keeping me in it. I closed my eyes .... and jumped ...... and fell .... and I am now in a free fall, trusting that the Universe will create a safe place for me to land. I feel scared and alone, but I also know that it is better than feeling the pain I was residing in. I am now at least free, and in the words of Janis Joplin, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose". There IS freedom in that pain.

When we try to create things the way we think they should be, we are actually interfering with the process. There is a fine line between controlling our destiny and allowing it room to happen. For instance, say you hear about a job which sounds perfect for you. You take it, and as you get further and further into it, you start to realize that it is not what you thought it was. You stay there, because you don't know what else you will do, and you are unhappy. Maybe you have a "degree" in this, or you have always dreamed about this job, and you let your fear of the unknown keep you in a place that you know is wrong for you. Many of us are in these situations, be it your job, or your marriage, or friendships, which cause us stress and pain and we are unhappy, but we stay out of obligation, or fear, or both. Before you know it, you have been in this situation for half your life, and you are even further indebted to it. Many people live their lives in this manner, and then wonder why they are unfulfilled, and angry. They are angry with themselves, but in order to admit this, they have to change, so they stay in the cycle. They pass along this attitude to their children, and here we go with another cycle of unhappiness. Do we really want to teach our children this lesson? It is certainly one thing to honor your commitments, but it is entirely another to martyr yourself out to obligation.

Honoring yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. When you make even the smallest choices, such as to "just say no" to that PTA fundraiser, or to go for a walk instead of cleaning the bathroom, you are giving yourself the freedom to be happy and to choose yourself over obligations. On the other side of it, when you see someone choosing themselves over others, be respectful of that. When I ask my friends for a favor, it is their choice: if they say no, I am NOT going to be mad. When you release yourself from saying yes, you are saying yes to yourself.

Be happy and free today. Namaste.

21 Day Challenge

I'm excited to be taking on this 21 day challenge, to write 800 words per day and do yoga 5 times a week! I need to push myself to finish my book, which will be my main focus during this time. I am hoping that the mob mentality will actually be a good thing in this case.

I write a blog for work, also, which is "unofficial", meaning, my boss doesnt want it associated with our website, since it is largely about our clients, and how strange and annoying most of them are. I try to find the humor in it, and pass that along to you. If you like this blog, you will likely enjoy that one as well.

Thanks for stopping by, and be sure to check in with me over the next few days, as I will be posting something very soon!

Namaste.

Feel it or fight it???

When we are faced with unfamiliar feelings, our first instinct is to fight it. Often times, we are successful in our quest to avoid the uncomfortable emotions, and we feel accomplished and relieved. The problem with this is that, in not dealing with the feelings, we have simply prolonged the inevitable, and perhaps in some cases, we have created a pocket of fear around something that does not necessarily deserve it. We think we are insulated in our safe little haven of good feelings and instead, we are simply existing in denial. Life is about challenges, and overcoming them, in order to learn and evolve. When I hear people talking about how evolved they are, and how everyone else is somehow "spiritually deficient", I have to wonder, if you are so evolved, why do you feel that you have the right to judge someone on their life path? Feeling self righteous is a sure sign that you are looking to distract yourself from opening a new door. In this way, we can live our whole lives in a cycle of denial, thus fooling ourselves into believing that we are "done" and can "relax". Certainly there is a place where you have inner peace and happiness. But I can honestly say that I when I find myself pointing the finger away from myself, that is the time when I need to really pay attention. People are on individual paths, and I do not have to choose to heal them , or accompany them, but I do have the power to love them where they are. Is that not an awesome power?

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!!!!

Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.........

Have you ever seen a jar filled with rocks, and thought it was full, until someone put sand in it? You then thought it was full, and then someone put water in it. Just when you think you are at your limit, something can come along and show you that you are not. I never thought I could be really happy on my own, until lately. Coming out of a series of very stressful relationships, where I thought I was with someone, and yet I was never more alone, I have realized some very important things. First, I am better off alone, than with people who do not appreciate me or value me. I'd rather be watching a movie alone than watching one that I do not want to watch. I'd much rather be eating what I want than with someone, eating something I do not like. Second, if I am trying to make a relationship work, especially in the beginning, I need to step away and see what happens. Many times, it will not gather momentum, and this is the best time to find out this information. Before feelings have become intertwined, before attachments have been formed. And last, but certainly not least, in the beginning, a relationship is new and fun. It should not be hard work and sweat during this phase. Even Romeo and Juliet enjoyed that phase, where it was simply developing, and there were no complications or difficulties that were more important than them being together.

If we are to really surrender to the moment, and live every day accepting what the universe has to offer, then we can trust that we will naturally have the people and things in our lives that we are supposed to. The more we try to control the process, the more we are in the way of fate, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it. This can create many detours which are only going to waste our time and lead us into places which will distract us and detract us from our ultimate goals and desires. Letting go of this control may feel scary for most of us, but as a recovering control freak, I can tell you that it is much easier and a whole lot less work. Live, Love, Laugh, and most of all, do this EVERY day.

Train wreck? or not?

Sometimes we can feel a change coming, like a train bearing down on you in the dark. You can't see it, but you can feel the change in the air, and the electricity. You are strangely transfixed, afraid, but yet too curious to move. All of a sudden, someone turns on the light, and you see that it is stopping for you to get on. Your fear is dissolved, and you board, confident that wherever you are going will definitely be better than where you were. As the train picks up speed, and your hair is gently lifted in the breeze, you feel the peace that comes with making the right decision.

Today I am faced with what I know to be the "right" decision, but I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown, and yet, that inner voice is telling me that in order to move into a new place, I must take the chance that is given to me. I choose to trust that. My journey begins.

2009 gives way to 2010

The holidays are always a time of great reflection for me. I see people I haven't seen all year, my family and friends from back home. It generally give me that much-needed "restart" and even though it isn't always comfortable, it leads me down a path of questioning my choices over the past year. Last year I ran into a old flame, and we spent a few magical nights together, only to have reality crash our trip down memory lane. As I look back at it now, I understand what I needed to learn from that experience. As one of my favorite songs says, "Life throws you curves, and you learn to swerve". When I was 20 and had no life experience, my relationship with him seemed like magic. Now that I have been down a few more paths, I see him for who he really is, and that is not someone I can share my time with. Over the years, I have met many men who seemed to fit into my life at first, but over time, it became clear that it was actually NOT a good fit. I'd like to think that I've learned a thing or two in my time on earth, and one of the lessons I'm reminded of today is the one of compassion. Only this time I need to have compassion for MYSELF. It's easy for us to lose sight of the fact that yes, we make mistakes, and yes, we make bad decisions. But that is the way life works, and there is no reason to beat yourself up about it. All we can do is move on and make sure that we remain positive and moving forward.

As another year comes to an end, I look back and realize how many lessons I've learned this year. Many of them were quite painful. I suffered a few losses which still hurt my heart. But in the end, as my good friend told me today, we always end up with the things and people that we are supposed to. Welcome home, and Happy Holidays to all my dear friends and the special people in my life.

Making things work ... or not?????

Do you ever wonder why, when you want something REALLY badly, you seem to lose it? And then, when you let it go, and you are truly over it, it comes back? I believe this happens for several reasons. First, when you try to "make" something work, it feels forced, or fake. And especially when other people are involved, they will resist. Even the meekest of souls will instinctively back away from being pushed into something. If you have to push to make something work, then it isn't meant to be. Consider the alternative: letting things happen on their own. You will have to relinquish control, but there is a freedom in that. The freedom of not pulling the strings 24/7. The ability to relax and trust that things will be the way they are supposed to be. I see this time after time. The fact of the matter is that these opportunities are there for us every day. We have to simply identify them. Only then can you make a conscious decision to let the universe, God, or whatever you believe in, take over. Be proactive, and absolutely don't let life pass you by, but there is also a place of peace, where you can let things take their natural course.

The next thing that happens is that you stop trusting the natural course of things. If someone says they will call you, and then repeatedly doesn't, what do you do? Do you call them and try to fix it? Or do you let it go, realizing that this person isn't matched up with you at this point in your life? I used to be the former kind of person, now I strive to be the latter. I realized that people will do the things they really want to do, and if being my friend isn't that high on the priority list, that's fine, but I deserve better. I'm not saying that these people are bad, but you can certainly choose to surround yourself with people who appreciate you and genuinely want to nurture a friendship. We match up with others when it is right. Not everyone is evenly matched, and yes, there IS someone for everyone:).

My goal is to trust the universe to lead me in the direction that I'm supposed to be going. Only then will I know true peace. Otherwise, I'm destined to spend my life trying to micro-manage my life, and THAT is an exhausting concept. Wishing you all peace and contentment during the holidays!!!

Having what you want:)

I watched "The Secret" again last night, and it really made me look at my thought processes lately. When we find ourselves in a negative place, where we are constantly expecting the worst, guess what? You will manifest that. If you expect to get bills every day and not have enough money, YOU WILL. So, I have developed a mantra. Any time I feel those negative thoughts coming in, I say to myself over and over, "Happy, Healthy, Wealthy", until I feel at peace again. And WOW it really works! A week after I started this, I find myself in a completely different place mentally. Things have started to move forward in my life again.

The Law of Attraction is simple. If you think it, you will manifest it. I think everyone can agree that we are basically life forms that run on pure energy. The atom is energy, and that is what our physical bodies are made of. If we focus all our energy on negative things, we will draw those things to us. So why not focus on drawing in all the things we want? I've always believed that If you focus on what you DON"T want, you will get that. So why not try focusing on what you DO want? Instead of, "I'll never find a parking place", "I bet I'll find a spot right away". I gotta tell you, this really works! Imagine what you could have if you really set your mind to it? I hear guys saying all the time, "I always end up with crazy women", and guess what? They are absolutely correct! I wonder what would happen if those same guys developed a mantra, "I will find the perfect woman for me", every time they hear this other crap start up? I feel confident that they would notice a shift very quickly. Same with a job, or money, or health, or anything that you find is not as you want it. Why do some people have all the luck? The Law of Attraction. They have subconsciously developed a positive thought pattern which creates the things they want, simply by postulating it.

The way I see it, what do I have to lose by trying this? I have SO much to gain. I hope you all are willing to create the lives you can imagine for yourself.

busy, busy, busy

I've always wondered about these people who keep themselves so busy that they don't have time for anything but putting out fires. I watch them run around like crazy and I wonder if I'm missing something? I don't LIKE to be that busy, but I don't think I'm lazy. I need to have a balance between busy and relaxed. Some days are more one than the other, but generally I get plenty of time to relax and I also feel that I accomplish things and contribute to society.

I've come to realize that most of the time, when you keep yourself so busy, it's generally a symptom of a much bigger issue. In order to be still and listen to your inner voice, you have make space. And if you keep yourself running around like crazy, there is no time for that. We keep ourselves distracted from really looking at what is underneath that. This is an entirely subconscious choice, but in order to reverse this, you have to make a conscious choice to do so. If you find that you are constantly overcommitted, then learn to say no. Make a space for yourself and put it at the highest priority. For me, this is usually something I do by myself, such as a walk on the beach, or meditation. You have to decide to give to yourself in order to gain the rewards of introspection. If you are constantly going at top speed, you are going to miss all the sights along the way, and what is the rush, anyway? There is no prize for finishing first. If in doubt, and you are making a choice, ask yourself this: "when I am on my deathbed, which thing will i remember?" will you wish you had worked more? or will you wish that you had given more to yourself? I think the answer is clear.

Fear Factor

I hear people say all the time, "Once I figure out what I'm doing, I'll move forward." Isn't this backwards? Don't you have to move forward to figure out your life? Life experiences are what shape us. We have to fail in order to learn how not to. When I hear someone say something like this, I know for sure that they are not in charge of their life. I wonder if THEY know that? Probably not.

Fear is a horrible teacher. When you make choices based on what you are afraid of, it may feel like the safe choice, but in the end, it is the least rewarding one. Do you want to live life being "safe"? Or do you want to learn and grow as much as possible? My friend is in a relationship with a guy, where they are both insecure. Neither of them is able to ask for what they want, and even though they have been together for a long period of time, she is unhappy and, i suspect, so is he. I encouraged her to ask for what she wants, and she is afraid. Afraid that he will not give it to her. So is the better choice to stay in a relationship where you are unhappy, and never get your needs met? Or are you better off facing that fear, speaking your truth, and possibly getting what you want. And, in the end, you will ALWAYS get what you want, even though it may not seem so at the time. If a relationship ends because you asked for your needs to be met, well then, great! Now you can find someone who appreciates you and give you everything you want and deserve. It may not feel good at first, but let me tell you, it is the better place to be. Anxiety and insecurity are NO WAY to be in a relationship. If you choose to be in your truth you will ALWAYS win.

a day in the life

Today was quite the day. My son Zach (14), is in the elite choir at his high school. They got invited to sing the national anthem at the Laker game tonight. I volunteered to drive, and it was an amazing time. The kids were given VIP passes and ushered to the holding area underneath Staples center. I managed to wrangle for myself and another mom, the ability to stand on the floor during the kids' performance, so that we could take pictures and video. The sight of our kids, standing behind the Laker players, singing their hearts out, was very moving. It was such a special opportunity, and the fact that we live where we do, offers us these kinds of things very frequently. The kids did great, and we were all exhausted by the time we left. The adrenaline rush was killer!
My other son, Sam (7), got an opportunity today, as well. He was in Costco with his dad, and a woman came up to him and asked him if he would like to be on a television show, which currently airs on Nickelodeon. Of course, he was very excited about this, and I offered to take him to the audition. When we got there, there were SO many kids there, I couldn't believe it. We stood in line, and filled out a form, and as we moved to the front, we were able to see some of the kids doing their auditions. Sam began to get nervous, and wanted to leave. I tried to talk to him, the director tried to talk to him, but he was just too scared. They asked that we call them and come to the next audition, and we left. On the way home we talked about it and I reminded him that he needed to do what made him feel happy. It's not about what i want for him, or what his dad wants. It's HIS choice. He may go to the next one, he may not. I just want him to follow his heart. Isn't that the important thing?
Anyway, that's my day. Im freaking exhausted. Good night!

the cougar has landed .....

Today I'm not feeling so inspired. I had a 3 hour meditation class yesterday, and I watched "The Secret" again last night. I'm feeling positive about my ability to create things for myself, yet I'm doubting it at the same time. How is this even possible? I had a conversation with some of the neighbors last night (not the crazy one lol), and there was a boy cleaning some windows at a house on the street. He was shirtless and hot, in a way that would make me almost wreck my car. The men outside noticed and asked me how old i thought he was. I thought for a minute and said, "well, if I think he's hot, he's probably 23". They laughed and went on. But I feel this is a problem for me. For a long time, it was funny that dated only younger guys, BOYS, really, since it was popular to be a "cougar", and it was all in fun. I wasn't really looking for a long term relationship, after coming out of a difficult marriage. I had fun, they had fun, good deal, right? Lately, and especially after my last relationship, where he was 28, and not really sure what he wanted or where he was going, I have been asking myself if maybe it's time to make that shift. I need to date men my own age, but there is one basic problem: I'm not attracted to anyone over the age of 30. In the 5 years since my divorce, this has not happened. Dating a 28 year old seemed like a stretch for me, until someone pointed out to me that he LOOKS 21. DAMN! I didn't even notice, but when it was pointed out to me, there it was. So, for now, I've decided to be single. And that's fine, but in the back of my mind, I wonder if I will be able to make that shift. Can we help who we are attracted to? Can we really shift that? Or is it just innate? I'm not sure, but of this I'm certain: I can NOT continue to date BOYS. So it goes.

obligatory relationships

Most of us have at least a few relationships where we are "obliged" to have certain people in our lives. This includes family, work associates, and neighbors. You can pick your friends, right? Or not? I've noticed an alarming trend in society, and I wonder if it's just me or are we moving towards "obligatory friendships" and even "obligatory romance"?
When we meet someone for the first time, and you "hit it off", you automatically want to spend more time getting to know this person. You call them or they call you and you arrange another meeting. This continues until the relationship moves to the next level, we will call it "expectations". This means that if I call you I expect that you will call me back, and if we make plans I expect you to show up. Basically. Next, we move into the "assumptions" stage, which means I assume you want to do whatever I'm doing, and you assume the same. This is the final and most definitive stage, where we trust each other and its a give and take thing. Now, what happens if you skip all these stages and go to the last one immediately? hmmmmm. That's a tough one. Think that will work out?
Second scenario: You meet someone and you hit it off. You call them and they don't return your calls right away. You call them again and finally they answer. You chase them all over town to get together and they seem to accept your presence. You start to expect to hang out with them, but see the problem? They rarely, if ever, call you and you are the only one putting effort into the interaction. You move into the assumption level and you are there all alone. One day you get "mad" because they don't show up, or they don't call you back. See what happened there? You had all the information that they were not interested in a friendship but you still pursued it. And you can't get mad at someone else for that.

We can CHOOSE our friends, and we have evolved into making relationship choices based on fear? Not me. I'm sorry if you take it personally, but I really think we shouldn't have to "play" with everyone. That's not reality and that's not how I choose to share myself. I'm looking for people who feel the same:).
peace to you all! xoxo