Perfection Smerfection

October 25,2012, Author's note:  For this blog and news about my upcoming book, please visit my new site Andrea Garst.

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect".  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out".  I also get accused of being "too sensitive".  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency.

I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect", this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be? 

You are HERE

You may have heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment".  I'd like to offer you a different perspective on this topic.  When I first heard of this idea, I was bound tightly to scheduling and planning, which left me anxious and in a state of constant worry.  A friend suggested that I try to "live in the moment", which was met with extreme skepticism from my analytic brain.  Over the past couple of years, I have researched this topic, taking note that there are as many interpretations as there are people.

One of the most popular interpretations seems to be prevalent among younger people, as well as those with Peter Pan complexes.  This involves no planning of any kind, making no commitments, and usually depends on the fact that another person pays the bills.  Each choice is made without any thought, and many times without any consideration for others.  This lifestyle choice is rarely possible past the age of 18, but I certainly know of older people who have chosen this for themselves.  I know of one young man who declares to anyone who asks, "I'm homeless, I don't want a job!"  This statement is normally followed by a request for money, or some other favor.  He feels as if responsibilities are "too intense" and prefers to sleep on the beach.  This would be an extreme example of "living in the moment".

The more middle of the road approach to this philosophy is where most people arrive.  They have jobs, contribute to society, and usually have families.  They make plans and commitments, considering others, as well as themselves.  The one source of stress for them is the future.  You hear things like, "I can't wait until Friday!" or even "I can't wait until vacation!".  This is all very common so none of us think much of it.  However, I have observed, that while you are focused on the future, even if it is just a day away, you are missing out on important things happening RIGHT NOW.  When you are having a "bad day" it is very tempting to block it out, and focus on a time when "things will be better".  I used to tell myself, "It's darkest before the dawn", and in this way, I was able to pull myself out of depression and "make it".  However, I have recently started really focusing on not missing a single minute of my life, and I find that escaping those low moments cheated me out of a lot of my life!

The best example of this for me was when my kids were born.  I remember being up sleepless nights, changing diapers, breastfeeding difficulties, and many other things which, at the time, I considered to be unpleasant.  I couldn't wait for them to grow up and be independent so I could get some sleep and do my own thing!  Well, I got what I wished for, 17 years later.  My oldest son is going off to college soon, and he spends his time doing just about anything but hanging with me.  He is a great kid, and I miss him.  I think about those nights when he had a high temperature and I had to get in a tepid bath with him to bring it down.  I think about all the days we spent at the park together, and I wanted to talk to my friends but he begged me to push him on the swings.  It's all equally precious to me, NOW.  I wish I had appreciated it more THEN.

When you live in the future, or even the past, you are missing your life.  You are missing the lessons, and the grateful heart you will have when things go well, because you were in the trenches when things weren't going as you hoped.  When things don't go as planned for me, I am thankful that I can be open to the fact that I may not know as much as the Creator.  My plan for myself is limited to what I know, and to live a life without limits and expectations is what I want.  I am at peace with the fact that every experience has value, and I don't want to miss any of it.

"Enjoy this moment, it is your life" ~ Way of The Peaceful Warrior

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy".  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that?

My ex husband is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet day of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

No pain, no gain?

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he was clearly suffering from some recent events, yet he insisted that he was "fine" and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to be "tough" and minimize his feelings, since most people don't want to hear anything that is perceived to be negative. Men are raised to be ridiculed for letting sadness show, and it seems that anger and happiness are the only truly accepted emotion for a man. For a woman, she is even more limited, as she may not show anger, but is allowed to be sad or happy. Excitement is optional but frowned upon in both sexes, unless it is in a very controlled amount. Do you know people who adhere to these ridiculous rules of society? Are they happy and well adjusted? Or are they keeping their emotions bottled up for fear of shame and ridicule from others?

Pain is there to show us what we need to work on. If you are trying to make a decision, and one choice is painful, but the other is not, look closely. Often the painful choice is the right one. It just throws us out of our comfort zone and this is unfamiliar territory. It is a challenge to ask yourself the hard questions, and many of us will choose to deaden our emotions by distracting ourselves with addictions or other vices. This comes in many forms, the most common ones are drinking and drugs, and the gamut runs all the way to over exercising, over working, and even over socializing. When you keep yourself out of pain, you are also locking away that information which can teach you things about yourself and move you forward. I hear how busy people are, and these are also the people who "don't have time for (fill in the blank)". Looking more closely, these people are hiding from their fear of themselves. If you do not have time to sit and be still every day, you are missing out on something very important: YOU. If you hear yourself apologizing over and over again for not following through, that is important information, as you are likely not making time for yourself, either.

A few years back, after my divorce, I had no idea who I was. If you asked me what I liked, I would not know. I decided to take myself on dates, and made a list of things that I liked to do alone. The list was very short at first, but now it has grown to the point where I don't really even need it. I love being alone, and I also love to be with friends. It really doesn't matter what I do, since I am always there:) Focusing on being present has really helped to enrich my life and slow me down. I also have a deeper appreciation for the people in my life who really are there for me, and I can give them my undivided attention when we are together. Next time you are having a conversation with someone, focus on what they are saying, and really LISTEN. You will find a much more peaceful place and you can often learn a lot by just being still and observing. Think about what they are saying, without thinking about what you are going to say next. Let it flow and let it be.

"Sadness is not the absence of happiness" ~ Matt Kahn ~

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "good in bed", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are exactly the opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun", as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just got fired from my job" is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this", whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something!

Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing', be a human "being". Wise words. Namaste.

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more.

This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and it's not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex lover and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.


As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Earthquakes and Aftershocks aka decisions

Decisions are like earthquakes. You never know when one is coming, but you better be ready for it when it does! Throughout life, we are faced with many decisions, some big, some small. No one else can make these for us, as we know ourselves best. When you are young, your parents help you make what they deem to be "good" decisions. As you get older, you naturally start to assert your independence and make some in your own. My 8 year old insists on choosing his own "look", and this is very important to him. If his shirt and pants don't work together, he will pull something out of his laundry hamper. That won't work for many more years:) My 15 year old makes most of his own decisions, and sometimes he screws up. He is smart enough to recognize this, "oh, man, I stayed up too late last night", and sometimes he will correct himself, other times he will choose to play the odds. We talk a lot about personal responsibility and choices, and I share with them that I don't always make the right decision, but the important lesson is there anyway.

I recently chose to end a very important relationship in my life. I agonized over this for months, many tears were shed, and many harsh words exchanged. In the end, I realized that I was more miserable IN the relationship than i could POSSIBLY be out of it. As I typed up my good bye email (he prefers this), I cried and agonized over the words with which to end this in the most positive way I could. It took me an hour to write 4 sentences, but in the end, I realized that I wasn't trying to resolve anything, I just needed to set the boundary so that I could move on. The way he chooses to respond, or not respond (which is more what i anticipate), is not my responsibility. I am only in charge of my own behavior, which I believe has been honest and forthcoming throughout the relationship. As I hit the "send" button, more tears flowed but then a feeling of peace came over me, and I breathed for the first time in days. This felt right, and I was assured that I had made the right choice. I feel sad and I will have a period of grieving, but I know that it had to be done. As if that wasn't enough, the sun came out for the first time in a week, five minutes after I sent it!

As the days pass, I am interested to discover how my life will shift as a result of this decision. This was definitely a "big" one. Over the years, I have found that the bigger the decision, and the harder it is , the more things change after you make it. I am excited to accept what the universe has to show me now! Peace to you all on this beautiful day.

Walking Wounded

How many times have you said the phrase, "He/she HURT me", or something similar? I would like to challenge you to look at this phenomenon differently. I can say one thing to you, and the same thing to another, and get two completely different reactions. Why is this? Consider the situation: I tell someone they are "getting a little chubby". To someone who is secure about their weight, they would laugh at me. To another, who is already insecure about their body size, they would be hurt. So, the question is, did I hurt you, or were you already hurt and I touched it? My theory is that we all carry around wounds, and every once in a while another person will touch it and cause us pain. What if we used their observations to benefit us? What if, every time you feel pain, you look at where it's REALLY coming from, and address that?

I believe this is another form of the blame game. If we can blame someone else for our pain, then we don't have to look at it and work on it. In this way, we pass around pain like a relay race. The people who do not accept the pain baton, we label as "jerks", and then move on to find someone who will take it so that we can get rid of it for a while. We wonder why these "jerks" seem to have a fairly peaceful existence, but we comfort ourselves with the fact that "karma will get them in the end". Why must we pass along pain and sadness to others? When you refuse to really take responsibility for your own life, you are missing out on lessons and personal growth.

Recently, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. There are many people who I could probably blame and pass it along to, who would willingly take it. But I guard my pain and hold on to it, because I really believe that if I miss out on this opportunity, there is no way to know when I might have one again, for this growth. I look at it as an opportunity to learn to love and forgive myself, and to evolve in a way that I can enrich my life. What kinds of opportunities do you have today????

Grow. Learn. Evolve. Namaste.

Close your eyes and enjoy the ride.........

Have you ever seen a jar filled with rocks, and thought it was full, until someone put sand in it? You then thought it was full, and then someone put water in it. Just when you think you are at your limit, something can come along and show you that you are not. I never thought I could be really happy on my own, until lately. Coming out of a series of very stressful relationships, where I thought I was with someone, and yet I was never more alone, I have realized some very important things. First, I am better off alone, than with people who do not appreciate me or value me. I'd rather be watching a movie alone than watching one that I do not want to watch. I'd much rather be eating what I want than with someone, eating something I do not like. Second, if I am trying to make a relationship work, especially in the beginning, I need to step away and see what happens. Many times, it will not gather momentum, and this is the best time to find out this information. Before feelings have become intertwined, before attachments have been formed. And last, but certainly not least, in the beginning, a relationship is new and fun. It should not be hard work and sweat during this phase. Even Romeo and Juliet enjoyed that phase, where it was simply developing, and there were no complications or difficulties that were more important than them being together.

If we are to really surrender to the moment, and live every day accepting what the universe has to offer, then we can trust that we will naturally have the people and things in our lives that we are supposed to. The more we try to control the process, the more we are in the way of fate, the universe, God, or whatever you want to call it. This can create many detours which are only going to waste our time and lead us into places which will distract us and detract us from our ultimate goals and desires. Letting go of this control may feel scary for most of us, but as a recovering control freak, I can tell you that it is much easier and a whole lot less work. Live, Love, Laugh, and most of all, do this EVERY day.