Perfection Smerfection

October 25,2012, Author's note:  For this blog and news about my upcoming book, please visit my new site Andrea Garst.

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect".  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out".  I also get accused of being "too sensitive".  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency.

I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect", this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be? 

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it". By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing", or even "obsessing", but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it". Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!

No pain, no gain?

A friend and I were talking the other day, and he was clearly suffering from some recent events, yet he insisted that he was "fine" and didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to be "tough" and minimize his feelings, since most people don't want to hear anything that is perceived to be negative. Men are raised to be ridiculed for letting sadness show, and it seems that anger and happiness are the only truly accepted emotion for a man. For a woman, she is even more limited, as she may not show anger, but is allowed to be sad or happy. Excitement is optional but frowned upon in both sexes, unless it is in a very controlled amount. Do you know people who adhere to these ridiculous rules of society? Are they happy and well adjusted? Or are they keeping their emotions bottled up for fear of shame and ridicule from others?

Pain is there to show us what we need to work on. If you are trying to make a decision, and one choice is painful, but the other is not, look closely. Often the painful choice is the right one. It just throws us out of our comfort zone and this is unfamiliar territory. It is a challenge to ask yourself the hard questions, and many of us will choose to deaden our emotions by distracting ourselves with addictions or other vices. This comes in many forms, the most common ones are drinking and drugs, and the gamut runs all the way to over exercising, over working, and even over socializing. When you keep yourself out of pain, you are also locking away that information which can teach you things about yourself and move you forward. I hear how busy people are, and these are also the people who "don't have time for (fill in the blank)". Looking more closely, these people are hiding from their fear of themselves. If you do not have time to sit and be still every day, you are missing out on something very important: YOU. If you hear yourself apologizing over and over again for not following through, that is important information, as you are likely not making time for yourself, either.

A few years back, after my divorce, I had no idea who I was. If you asked me what I liked, I would not know. I decided to take myself on dates, and made a list of things that I liked to do alone. The list was very short at first, but now it has grown to the point where I don't really even need it. I love being alone, and I also love to be with friends. It really doesn't matter what I do, since I am always there:) Focusing on being present has really helped to enrich my life and slow me down. I also have a deeper appreciation for the people in my life who really are there for me, and I can give them my undivided attention when we are together. Next time you are having a conversation with someone, focus on what they are saying, and really LISTEN. You will find a much more peaceful place and you can often learn a lot by just being still and observing. Think about what they are saying, without thinking about what you are going to say next. Let it flow and let it be.

"Sadness is not the absence of happiness" ~ Matt Kahn ~

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "good in bed", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are exactly the opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun", as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just got fired from my job" is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this", whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something!

Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing', be a human "being". Wise words. Namaste.

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more.

This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and it's not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex lover and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.


As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Freedom from ourselves

Sometimes, life happens without you. Meaning, you don't have to control every aspect of everything. Is it apathy, or letting go? I have recently been challenged on a very personal level to let go of something that was very important to me. It was causing me a great deal of stress to try to control it, and the fear of losing it was keeping me in it. I closed my eyes .... and jumped ...... and fell .... and I am now in a free fall, trusting that the Universe will create a safe place for me to land. I feel scared and alone, but I also know that it is better than feeling the pain I was residing in. I am now at least free, and in the words of Janis Joplin, "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose". There IS freedom in that pain.

When we try to create things the way we think they should be, we are actually interfering with the process. There is a fine line between controlling our destiny and allowing it room to happen. For instance, say you hear about a job which sounds perfect for you. You take it, and as you get further and further into it, you start to realize that it is not what you thought it was. You stay there, because you don't know what else you will do, and you are unhappy. Maybe you have a "degree" in this, or you have always dreamed about this job, and you let your fear of the unknown keep you in a place that you know is wrong for you. Many of us are in these situations, be it your job, or your marriage, or friendships, which cause us stress and pain and we are unhappy, but we stay out of obligation, or fear, or both. Before you know it, you have been in this situation for half your life, and you are even further indebted to it. Many people live their lives in this manner, and then wonder why they are unfulfilled, and angry. They are angry with themselves, but in order to admit this, they have to change, so they stay in the cycle. They pass along this attitude to their children, and here we go with another cycle of unhappiness. Do we really want to teach our children this lesson? It is certainly one thing to honor your commitments, but it is entirely another to martyr yourself out to obligation.

Honoring yourself is the best gift you can give yourself. When you make even the smallest choices, such as to "just say no" to that PTA fundraiser, or to go for a walk instead of cleaning the bathroom, you are giving yourself the freedom to be happy and to choose yourself over obligations. On the other side of it, when you see someone choosing themselves over others, be respectful of that. When I ask my friends for a favor, it is their choice: if they say no, I am NOT going to be mad. When you release yourself from saying yes, you are saying yes to yourself.

Be happy and free today. Namaste.