Perfection Smerfection

October 25,2012, Author's note:  For this blog and news about my upcoming book, please visit my new site Andrea Garst.

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect".  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out".  I also get accused of being "too sensitive".  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency.

I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect", this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be? 

You are HERE

You may have heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment".  I'd like to offer you a different perspective on this topic.  When I first heard of this idea, I was bound tightly to scheduling and planning, which left me anxious and in a state of constant worry.  A friend suggested that I try to "live in the moment", which was met with extreme skepticism from my analytic brain.  Over the past couple of years, I have researched this topic, taking note that there are as many interpretations as there are people.

One of the most popular interpretations seems to be prevalent among younger people, as well as those with Peter Pan complexes.  This involves no planning of any kind, making no commitments, and usually depends on the fact that another person pays the bills.  Each choice is made without any thought, and many times without any consideration for others.  This lifestyle choice is rarely possible past the age of 18, but I certainly know of older people who have chosen this for themselves.  I know of one young man who declares to anyone who asks, "I'm homeless, I don't want a job!"  This statement is normally followed by a request for money, or some other favor.  He feels as if responsibilities are "too intense" and prefers to sleep on the beach.  This would be an extreme example of "living in the moment".

The more middle of the road approach to this philosophy is where most people arrive.  They have jobs, contribute to society, and usually have families.  They make plans and commitments, considering others, as well as themselves.  The one source of stress for them is the future.  You hear things like, "I can't wait until Friday!" or even "I can't wait until vacation!".  This is all very common so none of us think much of it.  However, I have observed, that while you are focused on the future, even if it is just a day away, you are missing out on important things happening RIGHT NOW.  When you are having a "bad day" it is very tempting to block it out, and focus on a time when "things will be better".  I used to tell myself, "It's darkest before the dawn", and in this way, I was able to pull myself out of depression and "make it".  However, I have recently started really focusing on not missing a single minute of my life, and I find that escaping those low moments cheated me out of a lot of my life!

The best example of this for me was when my kids were born.  I remember being up sleepless nights, changing diapers, breastfeeding difficulties, and many other things which, at the time, I considered to be unpleasant.  I couldn't wait for them to grow up and be independent so I could get some sleep and do my own thing!  Well, I got what I wished for, 17 years later.  My oldest son is going off to college soon, and he spends his time doing just about anything but hanging with me.  He is a great kid, and I miss him.  I think about those nights when he had a high temperature and I had to get in a tepid bath with him to bring it down.  I think about all the days we spent at the park together, and I wanted to talk to my friends but he begged me to push him on the swings.  It's all equally precious to me, NOW.  I wish I had appreciated it more THEN.

When you live in the future, or even the past, you are missing your life.  You are missing the lessons, and the grateful heart you will have when things go well, because you were in the trenches when things weren't going as you hoped.  When things don't go as planned for me, I am thankful that I can be open to the fact that I may not know as much as the Creator.  My plan for myself is limited to what I know, and to live a life without limits and expectations is what I want.  I am at peace with the fact that every experience has value, and I don't want to miss any of it.

"Enjoy this moment, it is your life" ~ Way of The Peaceful Warrior

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy".  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that?

My ex husband is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet day of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

Life after death

I have been spending a great deal of time and energy on sadness these last few weeks. A friend took his life in a violent way, and the ripple effect is felt, even though we had not spoken in quite some time. He was always a bit of a lost soul, tortured and sweet, all at once. Most were not even aware of his ongoing inward battle, but I have a sixth sense for this, as I myself experienced it at one point in my life. The day that I died was the best day of my life. Obviously, it was not a permanent state for me, and when I woke up in the hospital bed, I knew that I had been given a second chance. The universe had a plan for me that was bigger than my desire. At that time, I was an empty shell of a person, and had no idea what I was going to do with my life. My strongest desires were to drink and party, escaping the endless turmoil, which rolled inside me constantly. The point where I decided I had nothing left to live for was my restart button. For my friend, it was the point where he finally escaped his pain. The family and friends who are left behind are now bearing his pain, and in many ways, this seems unfair. Suicide is a very selfish act, because it leaves an imprint so strong that the people who bear it, are often unable to move past it. It shapes their lives in ways which creates a self destructive pattern of guilt and fear. When decisions are made in this space, they are following a path of destruction and self punishment.

Having been on the other side of this path, I can now see the crater of emotions which is left. Looking for the positive almost seems irreverent. However, I can tell you, having been the person trying to leave the planet at one time, the suicide victim does not want others to feel sad for them. Leaving the planet is all about them feeling better, it is not about making others feel worse. I know that my friend would want everyone to remember him as a happy, playful person, and his intent was always to make others happy. He ultimately felt helpless to do this, and he gave up. To him, this was the only option left. The pain of death was a release.

To this day, I feel that my death was my awakening. I was able to make peace with all those I needed to, and it turned my life around. I'm not sure I would have ever ventured as far off my then current path as I have now, which has resulted in many positive events in my life. It pushed my mind to expand in ways which I never even knew possible. I am grateful that I can sit here and write this with joy and gratitude to the universe for providing me with all the information I need to succeed in my human existence.

In death, there is rebirth. Namaste.

Spring into your destiny

As the old saying goes, "Put up or shut up". While this is a bit negative, it does get the point across in it's own way. If you are constantly telling anyone who will listen, that you are "great", or "happy", or even "good in bed", who are trying to convince? I see the desperation behind these statements. If someone has to go around and proclaim these types of things, they are exactly the opposite of what they claim.

We grow up aware of the fact that if we are sad or angry, no one will want to play with us. The crying child in the corner gets very little positive attention, while the funny child attracts all the friends. Which one would you want to be? At risk of being ostracized, we force ourselves to be happy and cheerful even when we are sad and angry inside. As adults, this creates a depth of anger and resentment which spills over onto those who we feel safe with. These people are the ones who have shown us that they love us no matter how we feel, and so we aren't afraid to lose them if we show all facets of our emotions. However, this also results in us having people in our lives who are superficial. These are the friends who want to go out partying with you but are always "busy" when you are ill and need someone to go to the grocery store for you. We lean on our loved ones more than ever, and then we start to feel guilty for burdening them. As the years of resentment and unhappiness build up, we desperately try to convince others that we are "happy" and "fun", as we feel our pain increase and start to take over. The people who see us for who we are and want to help us are pushed away by our desperation, and we find ourselves in a cycle of pain which seems to have no end. We blame everyone else for our problems and slowly we lose ourselves in that negative cycle. Eventually this anger is no longer able to be restrained and we turn to medication and sometimes, psychoanalysis. Many people never emerge from this stage, and their lives are structured around doctor appointments and friends who are willing to listen and nod, never challenging them.

The cycle can only end when you are really willing to look at yourself and face your pain. It is no one else's "fault" that you are unhappy. It is your responsibility to create good things for yourself. If you are constantly complaining about how you got "screwed" by this person, or how you got "cheated" by that person, you are missing out on the opportunity to grow and evolve. When you have a special talent for finding the negative in every situation, and are determined that everyone else should share this fear and pain with you, well, you are going to be a lonely person. There is a fine line between reality and negativity. Certainly there are things which happen from time to time that are not as I planned, but if I look at them as "bad", then I am simply giving up my personal power. Instead, try looking at things as fact. "My car needs new brakes and I just got fired from my job" is a recent incident which transpired. I can choose to go into fear and panic, or I can choose to move on and trust that whatever comes next will be a better job and I will find a mechanic who will charge a reasonable price. Nothing will be resolved by me staying in fear and crying for days at a time. In fact, this will keep good things out of my life. My boss was abusive and I needed to leave that job anyway. In her firing me, she is giving me the chance to find a better situation for myself. So, I can honor her and thank the universe for giving me this opportunity.

"Create the life you have imagined" Henry David Thoreau

Growth and other things that hurt

My life's path is shifting, and this is painful. Today was a pivotal day for that change. It seems as though setting boundaries really pushes things along quickly. When a person speaks to me in an abusive way, and I stand up and say "Please stop! I don't deserve this", whatever the result of that interaction is what is right. If you stay in an abusive situation because you are scared of what awaits you outside of that, you are not being true to yourself. Speaking up and saying no is showing yourself the respect that you deserve. If the abuser reacts angrily, you know you are really onto something!

Loss is always painful, even if you know it is the right thing. I have loved and lost many times, and I am sure I will do it again at least a few more times. I will not stop loving, as a wise friend told me, "You can not really get hurt unless you take things personally." If I love myself and really know that I have value, no one can tell me otherwise. If you think you are stupid, and someone else tells you that they think you are, too, that is going to hurt. If you don't have a problem with your intelligence, and someone calls you stupid, you will laugh because it just seems silly. In that way, you are responsible for your own feelings and thoughts. No one can "make" you feel any way that doesn't already exist within you.

As I go about my day, I can make choices which blame others and avoid some of the pain. But in the end, I will just prolong the agony, as it will more than likely keep coming up until I deal with it myself. Your pain, or unhappiness is within you, and you will not find a permanent resolution outside of yourself. I'll take that pain now so that I can grow and evolve and welcome my next experience. I make mistakes daily, and laugh at myself as much as possible. Sure, there are moments of pain and sadness, but they are always replaced with something else, and I have even learned to welcome them, in a strange way. I trust the process and I trust myself.

To quote my favorite yoga teacher, "Don't be a human "doing', be a human "being". Wise words. Namaste.

Whatever you do, don't look down.........

I seem to have some issues with letting go of certain relationships. I wonder if I am the only one? In recent years, I have built up a support system, which has helped me through some tough times. However, at what point is this actually enabling my constant cycle of depression and self punishment? At first, it was a welcome distraction from the life that had completely fallen out from under me. I was 35, divorced, with two kids. I was used to being with someone ALL the time, whether it be the kids or my husband, who I really didn't even like, but he was a PERSON. After I told him to leave, I spent a lot of time wondering what the hell I was thinking???? I promptly went out and found a new person that I could use to fill that hole. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I now find myself in a transition, where I have thinned out my friends so much, that i could count on one hand, the people who I can truly talk to, and depend on. I know who I can call if I want to party, but I really do NOT want to distract myself any more.

This new place I am going into is still not clear to me. But I can no longer see behind me, so I have little choice but to go forward. There are definitely days that I wish I could go back to the days where I puked in the gutter, and woke up with no memories. But there is a bigger part of me that recognizes that I am not that person anymore. I could not any more go back to that than I could pretend I don't know how to drive. It's become a reflex, and it's not appealing to me at all. I want to be living my life in a way that makes me feel good without using others along the way. I want to develop relationships which are mutually beneficial, not just a crutch for a habit which isn't respecting anyone involved. When I am tempted to call my ex lover and arrange a nice distraction for myself, I am not tempted for long. I realize that all this is behind me now, and I am moving forward. To move backwards would only cause me pain.


As the days stretch into weeks, and the months fold out before me, I am determined to stay positive and looking in the direction of my goals. I have to make important choices which will deliver me into the land of my dreams. I am the only one who can make these choices, and they are hard, but coming easier as I realize that I am breaking patterns, which is therefore creating new patterns. If I allow these old patterns to shape my life, I will be unhappy and unable to be quiet with myself. What others think of me is irrelevant, it is only my opinion of myself which counts.

Walking Wounded

How many times have you said the phrase, "He/she HURT me", or something similar? I would like to challenge you to look at this phenomenon differently. I can say one thing to you, and the same thing to another, and get two completely different reactions. Why is this? Consider the situation: I tell someone they are "getting a little chubby". To someone who is secure about their weight, they would laugh at me. To another, who is already insecure about their body size, they would be hurt. So, the question is, did I hurt you, or were you already hurt and I touched it? My theory is that we all carry around wounds, and every once in a while another person will touch it and cause us pain. What if we used their observations to benefit us? What if, every time you feel pain, you look at where it's REALLY coming from, and address that?

I believe this is another form of the blame game. If we can blame someone else for our pain, then we don't have to look at it and work on it. In this way, we pass around pain like a relay race. The people who do not accept the pain baton, we label as "jerks", and then move on to find someone who will take it so that we can get rid of it for a while. We wonder why these "jerks" seem to have a fairly peaceful existence, but we comfort ourselves with the fact that "karma will get them in the end". Why must we pass along pain and sadness to others? When you refuse to really take responsibility for your own life, you are missing out on lessons and personal growth.

Recently, I have been experiencing quite a bit of pain. There are many people who I could probably blame and pass it along to, who would willingly take it. But I guard my pain and hold on to it, because I really believe that if I miss out on this opportunity, there is no way to know when I might have one again, for this growth. I look at it as an opportunity to learn to love and forgive myself, and to evolve in a way that I can enrich my life. What kinds of opportunities do you have today????

Grow. Learn. Evolve. Namaste.