Perfection Smerfection

October 25,2012, Author's note:  For this blog and news about my upcoming book, please visit my new site Andrea Garst.

Perfection is totally overrated.  All my life, I have had people accuse me of being "perfect" or of thinking that I am "perfect".  This always confuses me.  Inside my little world, I am completely and totally IMperfect.  I beat myself up to the point that it is not healthy.  I cry and scream and lose my temper.  I find myself having to apologize to many people.  I have even been guilty of sending a couple of hotly worded emails to my boss and coworkers.  I have learned that what I think of myself is not at all congruent with what others think of me, and this fact disturbs and confuses me.  Consciously, I think I am one of those people who "lets it all hang out".  I also get accused of being "too sensitive".  If I were to build my life around what others think of me, I would be a study in inconsistency.

I have become acutely aware that most of what others think of you is actually a projection of themselves.  When I am accused of being "perfect", this is a reflection of another person's perceived IMperfections of themselves.  Why else would someone be crazy enough to think that I am without flaws? Or, even more astounding, that I THINK I am without flaws?  When I am accused of being "too sensitive", this is simply their insecurity about being INsensitive.  Next time you find yourself on the other end of an accusatory finger pointing, think about it this way and see if it makes sense to you.  I have found that it makes a lot of difference in how I respond, and I can stay calm.  I can even have compassion for the fact that this other person needs to release some of their pain so that they can feel better.  I don't have to accept it, but I can watch them let it go.

I have had a really busy and emotionally crazy week so far, and it's only Tuesday!!  Today I came home to a mess and yelled at my son.  I found myself apologizing to him after I had taken a few deep breaths.  My overwhelming day is not his problem.  I can find validation in this situation, and I know my son will be the first to tell you, I AM NOT PERFECT!  I am more human than I would like to be, some days.  So next time you find yourself judging another person's behavior, think about it from the other side.  Allow yourself to be human and practice forgiveness for yourself, as well as others.  I promise it will not make you perfect:)  And why would you want to be? 

You are HERE

You may have heard a lot of talk about "living in the moment".  I'd like to offer you a different perspective on this topic.  When I first heard of this idea, I was bound tightly to scheduling and planning, which left me anxious and in a state of constant worry.  A friend suggested that I try to "live in the moment", which was met with extreme skepticism from my analytic brain.  Over the past couple of years, I have researched this topic, taking note that there are as many interpretations as there are people.

One of the most popular interpretations seems to be prevalent among younger people, as well as those with Peter Pan complexes.  This involves no planning of any kind, making no commitments, and usually depends on the fact that another person pays the bills.  Each choice is made without any thought, and many times without any consideration for others.  This lifestyle choice is rarely possible past the age of 18, but I certainly know of older people who have chosen this for themselves.  I know of one young man who declares to anyone who asks, "I'm homeless, I don't want a job!"  This statement is normally followed by a request for money, or some other favor.  He feels as if responsibilities are "too intense" and prefers to sleep on the beach.  This would be an extreme example of "living in the moment".

The more middle of the road approach to this philosophy is where most people arrive.  They have jobs, contribute to society, and usually have families.  They make plans and commitments, considering others, as well as themselves.  The one source of stress for them is the future.  You hear things like, "I can't wait until Friday!" or even "I can't wait until vacation!".  This is all very common so none of us think much of it.  However, I have observed, that while you are focused on the future, even if it is just a day away, you are missing out on important things happening RIGHT NOW.  When you are having a "bad day" it is very tempting to block it out, and focus on a time when "things will be better".  I used to tell myself, "It's darkest before the dawn", and in this way, I was able to pull myself out of depression and "make it".  However, I have recently started really focusing on not missing a single minute of my life, and I find that escaping those low moments cheated me out of a lot of my life!

The best example of this for me was when my kids were born.  I remember being up sleepless nights, changing diapers, breastfeeding difficulties, and many other things which, at the time, I considered to be unpleasant.  I couldn't wait for them to grow up and be independent so I could get some sleep and do my own thing!  Well, I got what I wished for, 17 years later.  My oldest son is going off to college soon, and he spends his time doing just about anything but hanging with me.  He is a great kid, and I miss him.  I think about those nights when he had a high temperature and I had to get in a tepid bath with him to bring it down.  I think about all the days we spent at the park together, and I wanted to talk to my friends but he begged me to push him on the swings.  It's all equally precious to me, NOW.  I wish I had appreciated it more THEN.

When you live in the future, or even the past, you are missing your life.  You are missing the lessons, and the grateful heart you will have when things go well, because you were in the trenches when things weren't going as you hoped.  When things don't go as planned for me, I am thankful that I can be open to the fact that I may not know as much as the Creator.  My plan for myself is limited to what I know, and to live a life without limits and expectations is what I want.  I am at peace with the fact that every experience has value, and I don't want to miss any of it.

"Enjoy this moment, it is your life" ~ Way of The Peaceful Warrior

Lazy, or Crazy?

Lately, I have been hearing a lot about people who are "lazy".  It's funny how this has become such a negative term. Growing up in the South, to have a "lazy afternoon" conjures up images of a sunny Sunday afternoon, swinging in the hammock on the front porch, while reading, visiting with friends, or simply lost in your own thoughts.  What, I ask you, is the problem with that?

My ex husband is a work-a-holic, and he tells me I am "lazy" because I don't work as much as he does.  I also take the time to sit with my kids and watch whatever show they want, and this is me "wasting time".  When have we become a society of constant productivity?  Why is it suddenly considered a bad thing to take time for yourself, and take days off from the merry go round of life?

I have a name for those who never get off the racetrack:  CRAZY.  Rhymes with LAZY, but means the opposite.  Seriously, my ex drinks himself into oblivion every night, and has no friends, but, by golly, he is PRODUCTIVE.  Really?  Because if that's what it means to be successful, I would rather be lazy.  I would rather have time to go down to the beach and walk, and breathe, and come home to a quiet day of reading and talking with friends.  I work hard when I work, and if you don't have a balance of quiet time, or time to yourself, you will very soon find yourself in the cycle of depression and despair which makes you feel the need to criticize others and justify your actions.  To judge others is simply an expression of jealousy.  If you find yourself needing to judge others in order to validate your own choices, you really need to take a step back and look at your own life.  I guarantee that, if you are truly happy with yourself, you will not feel the need to cause pain for others.

Take time to enjoy your life, TODAY, or it will have passed you by.  And in the end, when you have wealth, and possessions, but no one to listen to your deepest thoughts, and no ability to relax without alcohol or drugs, what have you really accomplished?

Wishing you all a very LAZY Sunday:)

The Well of Souls

There are moments in our lives where we are forced to redefine ourselves in such a dramatic way, that it feels like a birth.  When faced with challenges that seem insurmountable, we have two choices:  give up, or forge ahead.  Sometimes we have to just cry, and scream, and beat the hell out of some pillows, to get to the point where we can calmly face the challenge.  Other times we need good friends to talk to us, and support our growth.  But the one thing that is always constant in these situations is that you will never forget this time.  So, how do you want to remember it?  Do you want to recall yourself striking out at the person you want to blame, hurting them, forcing them to take on your pain?  Or do you want to look back and smile at the way you tentatively started down your new path, with only a book of matches to light the way?

I am currently facing a challenge which scares me on a very basic level. Instantly, I found myself surrounded by angels, who I call my friends.  They reminded me of my own strength, and how much I have taught them, and I started to see the light of hope.  You see, when you give up, you are missing the chance the grow in such a way that your life will change forever.  And that is always a good thing.  ALWAYS.  I have faced many challenges and life choices which seemed completely without meaning, and were so painful that I experienced it on a physical level.  But I always emerged from that experience with a deeper understanding of who I was, and how much I could handle.  Sometimes, I have to go back and apologize to those who I may have hurt in my process.  This time, I want to conduct myself with dignity, and send out love and positive energy, so that I can look back and say that, no matter what the outcome, I created something from it.  And isn't that all we can do?

I know that some people will take pleasure in my downfall, but I can not let that stop me from reaching for the stars.  I have taken steps which leave no footprints, but only propel me forward.  I am reminded of that scene in Hercules, where he is falling into the well of souls.  The longer he is immersed in that pit of death, the more life is drained from him.  I must take the hands of the ones who love me and want to see me succeed, and let them help me out of the pit.  I will then be able to heal myself and continue on my path of happiness and love.  I refuse to let the dying drag me down with them.

Like the legend Gloria Gaynor says, "I will survive!"  And I will.  Peace to you all this day.

Be good to yourself

Most of us, at some point in our lives, are told, "Be nice!". Usually this involves smiling and ignoring another's rude or offensive behavior. I ask you, why do we need to allow this type of behavior, and further, why are we discouraged from standing up for ourselves?

I witnessed a prime example of this the other day in line at the grocery store. We were all lined up to wait our turn, when a lady with a full cart walked past all of us, and started unloading her cart at the front register. I had already secured my place at the back register, but I turned to the woman behind me and asked, "Why don't you say something to her?" To which she replied, "I don't want to be rude". I was aghast, "SHE is being rude to YOU!" To which the woman appeared uncomfortable and looked down. I looked at the checker and we both shrugged. Why are we so afraid to stand up for what is right? Especially when it is our personal space that is being invaded? If it were me (and it has been many times), I would have politely gone up to the lady and said, "Excuse me, we are all waiting in line, the back of the line is here". Most of the time, people are embarrassed, because they simply do not know. Most people are not trying to be rude, and appreciate when someone gives them a gentle reminder. You don't need to be aggressive and confrontational.

The saddest example of this is when a child is abused. As I have said before, this has happened to me, and I was always "nice" to the men who invaded my most personal space. I never wanted to "offend" them, and I was being a "good girl" for going along with what they wanted. I was taught to think of others before myself, which ended up in disaster for me personally. Years later, in therapy, I was asked, "Why didn't you say no, or tell them to stop?" and my answer was always the same, "I didn't want them to be mad at me". I was literally willing to sacrifice the most precious part of my female body in order to "be nice". And that is where we have to draw the line. We can not allow people to abuse us, even if they get mad, and call us names (which has certainly happened to me in recent history). We have to feel confident in standing up for ourselves, because, if we don't, we are disrespecting the most important person, ourselves. If it makes me a "bitch" to tell someone that I do not like to be yelled at, or spoken to in an abusive manner, then, so be it. I will not allow myself to be invaded any longer, in the name of "being nice".

It is my most fervent wish that we can teach our next generation to say no in a kind manner. People seem to think that to say no is to be mean. This is not true. You can politely decline any invitations which do not suit you. When a solicitor came to the door, I politely said, "No thank you", and my kids hear this, which gives them comfort in saying, "No thank you" when they are offered drugs, or asked to compare body parts, or whatever the case may be. I am hoping that my example will empower them to say no in a way which is compassionate and understanding. I hear my teenager having these conversations with his peers and I am so proud of him. I hear him standing up for himself without being rude, and he is well liked at school, yet he does not "party" at all. Instead of teaching our kids to "be nice" to everyone but themselves, why can we not teach them to respect themselves as well as others?

Most, if not all, of my blogs are inspired by conversations with friends. This one is no exception. In speaking with a dear friend today, we realized together that most people fall into one of two categories of success. One is prosperity, or wealth. The other is successful relationships. Have you noticed that, when you see a monetarily wealthy individual, with a successful career, most of the time, they are not in a healthy romantic relationship? Many times, they do not have close friends, but instead, they seem to substitute the job/career/money for relationships entirely. Conversely, those who are surrounded by friends and have a healthy happy life are generally poor, or relatively so. What are the factors which contribute to this deficit?

Some of the best people I know are poor as dirt, but would give you the shirt off their back. I know so many people who have huge mansions but are all alone in them. What is going on here? I believe that we have accepted the fact that if you are rich, you are "greedy". Society has separated us by class, forbidding the rich to socialize with the poor, by making everything about wealth. We have all bought into this, choosing to believe that to be poor is to be pious and "spiritual". What if we all stretched that belief within ourselves and allowed ourselves to be both "good people" as well as wealthy? There does not have to be such a large gap between wealth and health.

Organized religion plays a large part in this fallacy, as well. We are told to give all our money to the church/God, and that if we keep any of if for ourselves, we are "sinful". Again, this is an extreme which does not serve us as individuals. If we create the awareness of this issue, perhaps we can start to turn it around. These days, we are constantly hearing about "the 99%". Well, perhaps this is partly the choices that we have unconsciously made. You CAN be happy and rich, and have healthy relationships. It is not "selfish" to enjoy the money that you have accumulated for yourself. You can not "save the world" but you can perhaps "save yourself". If you can create happiness for yourself, then you can pass along the knowledge of how to do this, thus you have done far more for others than giving them a few bucks would do. Yes, others will judge this, but if you are secure with your choices, this will not bother you.

I am on a mission to "have it all", and I believe that we can all do this together! There is no shame in wealth, and there is also no shame in doing the things that make you happy. Pass it on.

Over vs. Under

How many times have you been struggling with an issue, and someone has said to you, "Just get over it!"???? I have found this to be invalidating and unhelpful when it comes to really resolving something. I recently heard a friend telling herself this very thing, and I encouraged her to, instead, "get UNDER it". By this I mean, do not push aside your feelings, but instead, use them to teach yourself something. This may be labeled by some as "over analyzing", or even "obsessing", but to me, when life hands you a lesson, would you not be wise to learn from it, instead of forcing yourself to look past it? When you bury your feelings about something because you can't explain them, you are cheating yourself.

From the time you are a young child, you are taught that certain feelings are not acceptable. You are conditioned to push those feelings aside and not honor them, simply because you can not rationalize them to others. So I ask you, why is it that your personal feelings are subject to approval from others? Why aren't we allowed to feel how we feel and not have to explain it in a way that others are comfortable with it? Aren't your own feelings about YOU? Aren't your personal thoughts for YOU?

When I was growing up in a house with three older brothers, I learned that my tears always brought me more pain, in the form of ridicule. There was no help for the little girl who was in pain, and I shut it down as fast as I could. As you can imagine, I grew into a young woman who was afraid to show any emotions, and for me to let others see my tears was not acceptable. The reverse was also true, as I didn't want to see others cry, reminding me of my own unshed tears. Most people are uncomfortable with your emotions because they are not comfortable with their own. I would like to ask that we give people room to be sad, mad, or angry, and not tell them to "get over it" but rather, help them "get under it". Because underneath all those irrational feelings is a brand new lesson and path for those few brave souls. Allowing others to have their feelings without any judgement is healing for you as well. Sometimes you have to feel the pain in order to allow the release.

Happy Weekend, all you brave souls!!!!!